Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

Had a little problem at the grocery store today.




Apparently when the cashier said “strip down, facing me” she was talking about my debit card.......

 

[Jax]

 

[pidgiepoo]

Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand six parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary admits that the sixth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[The Chairman]

 

[Cave Diver]

An Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket, he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"

Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!

 

[The Chairman]

 

[The Chairman]

 

[pidgiepoo]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.
>
> They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
>
> St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
>
> All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
>
> When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?'
>
> The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.'

 

[mlkco]

Tesco Doctor
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.
The computer prints the following:
1)Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco

 

[pidgiepoo]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take
> them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
>
>
>
> The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
>
>
>
> His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears
> his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ....
> UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again!
> ONE , TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.
>
>
>
> Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
>
>
>
> The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "
>
>
>
>
> The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't
> get on the bed. "