What would U do? I packed up...

[MeiLing]

Jersey,

One thing I want to point out to you is that if things aren't going well in a relationship, something about a trip together tends to magnify the negatives and things can go pretty badly. A trip together won't heal what's wrong and typically a lot of guys don't communicate well that things are over or ending in the relationship. They pretty much leave the gal to figure it out on her own.

Before I get bashed, I will agree that some women can muck it up pretty badly in this respect too, but I think that guys are statistically more likely to do handle a breakup in this manner. For one gal I know, her husband got himself restationed to Germany without discussing it with his wife. They owned a home in Honolulu to boot! Kept telling her he was going to find a job for her there. She figured out that it was over when she called the guy at work one day (in Germany), got his boss on the phone who asked how much longer she was going to take to make a decision about a job he'd found for and had been holding for some time. She's an RN. Apparently, hubby never told her about the job. I think she filed for divorce that day!

For the lurking guys who'd be tempted to do such a thing, I have some advice. Don't leave behind anything you might want! I know, I am now the proud owner of the better part of his extensive classic rock CD collection!

 

[irishsquid]

AMEN, honey!

Sorry, but if my significant other spent the night elsewhere and I didn't have a good explanation, there'd be hell to pay and I'd be happy to pack his bags for him!

You do deserve better!

You don't have to to take crap from anyone. Partners, SO, Husband/Wife, only work with mutual communication, respect, and love. One way streets usually are dead ends. On another note: She did right to leave as she was living in HIS paid for house for just 3 yrs. She is not entitled to it.

 

[tonka97]

bad plan.

.... Get the man you want, don't try and make the man you want from the wrong protoplasm.

 

[LobsterOfJustice]

Guy's point of view:

Copy and paste this in a note/email to him:

My heart is breaking. After almost 20 years I thought we were beyond this. I'm not the drama type, I'd rather talk than scream, nor am I the type to run from problems, but feel I can't win. And it doesn't appear at this juncture he wants to communicate with me. I can't live day to day wondering if he is coming home, or if he's injured or worse. I don't know if this was his intended consequence or not, but to give you an idea this is kind of outta-da-blu 3 weeks ago he booked & paid for our early 2008 dive trip to some warm wonderful island we both love. And yes, being a trust but verify girl, I checked with the dive shop, we are both signed up, our names are on the air tickets & he paid the bill in full. I am so full of pain & confusion...

Tell him straight up how you feel. For all you know he has a really legit reason, maybe he's getting operations to remove tumors or something. At least let him know what the hell is going on, and let him know this is serious, and if he doesnt get back to you, leave and move on. It would be a shame to end the relationship over something that wasnt worth it. But I agree with the action you have taken so far... do not sit idly by and let it happen.

 

[drbill]

Relationships should be based on trust, honesty and communication. You're not getting it from him. As a man, sounds very fishy to me. I think you did the right thing.

As for only moving in as fiancee or wife, as long as the relationship meets the above three criteria, and you are both clear on what it involves, then it's up to you. Plenty of people live in committed, honest relationships without taking those steps.

 

[Dive-aholic]

Another man's view:

The first mistake was thinking he had changed. I went back with a previous woman after some time thinking things might be different. They weren't. Never did it again.

Second mistake was not leaving that first weekend when he didn't show up after "going to the dive shop". My stuff would have been packed and gone that night.

Hang in there. The right person will come along. And you don't need to be paying a therapist for that. Just stop looking and trying so hard. It happens when you least expect it.

 

[empressdiver]

Recovery from such a relationship has many facets. It would help to get involved with sports and social groups so that you will develop a new social life with new friends and dating opportunities. This will also help you to shed the insidious self-perception of being half of a couple and restore a natural feeling of being a complete, single woman on your own. After a while, you will become absorbed in your new activities and friends, and this bad relationship will recede gradually into the dim past.

 

[MeiLing]

Hang in there. The right person will come along. And you don't need to be paying a therapist for that. Just stop looking and trying so hard. It happens when you least expect it.

I wouldn't discount seeing a therapist, especially for someone who professes to be confused and in a lot of emotional pain! While a therapist isn't for everyone, they can be a great help for those who are in a rut and trying to sort thru their emotions.

Also, the right person doesn't just come along. They're usually in a room with a lot of other people, a few good, a lot bad. It takes an emotionally well person to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff. Given that Jersey's been around the block again and again with a person who so obviously disrespects her, I'd say a therapist is in order! And that is spoken from a person who's been there!

Good Luck, Jersey!

 

[bluewaterdiva]

You did the right thing. I went through a simular situation 25 years ago. That little voice in your head is usually right. It was the hardest and the best thing I ever did. I was single for three years. I rarely dated. Then I met my soul mate. I put him off for a year! He kept asking me out and finally I accepted! You can't go through life disappointed most of the time. Life is way too short. Move on and you will be happier! Find something you like to do that makes you happy and do it. I would also get some therapy-it really helped me.