Why are so many female divers codependent?

[drbill]

I once dated a woman I had wanted to date for decades. She finally decided I was the man for her (she wasn't a diver). We hadn't spent a lot of time together the few years before we started dating. I was appalled to find that a woman I once considered independent had come to depend almost totally on the man she was with. Needless to say, it didn't last long considering the passion we both brought to the relationship at first.

A highly dependent woman would be very unwelcome in my life. I look for a partnership. Would I carry all her heavy gear? If she asked... but I'd expect her to carry the other gear. Fair enough in my mind. Work together and work with one another's strengths and in view of one another's weaknesses. Partner rather than establish dependencies. Both be strong in their areas of strength (and human with some areas of weakness).

 

[fairybasslet]

I guess because folks just take it for granted that that is a “guy” kind of behavior and excuse it! Bad behavior is just bad behavior!

Even though I'm the one who started this, I must agree with you. Bad behavior is bad behavior. And I didn't mean to imply that all married women who go diving without their SO are looking to have affairs, just as the same is true of men. And who knows if she went "looking." It happened. But she did act like the helpless female a lot of the time.

 

[drbill]

I, for one, would never assume that just because a married woman went on a liveaboard trip solo that she was looking to have an affair. Several of my female dive buddies are either married or in LTR's and I know if they went on a trip without their SO, the purpose would be to dive. I've traveled with some of them without a hint of impropriety. Sniff.

 

[rafter_]

I think part of the problem, at least here in Montana, is that the sport seems very male centered. I believe I am one of 3-4 local women who dive at all. Since we do alot of not very exciting cold water diving, most of the divers around here focus more on gear and technical diving, which unfortunatly is not where my interests are. The whole atmosphere up here is a "push yourself to your limits" type of diving, and it's simply not something that many of us are really interested in...

Slightly off topic

 

[Longstocking]

DrBill has some very good points IMO. I am a team with my buddy that happens to be my fiancée as well. We dive in zero vis for a volunteer group. We are required to work as a team ! When diving for a purpose, like taking measurements of a ship wreck or connecting lines on a u-boat ... you have to work as a team. Some times that requires someone to be the "dummy" end. One person has to stay in one position so that the other can swim the length of the wreck and get a final number. Or holding the light .. so your buddy can write down the measurements on a clip board.

Sometimes great strength is required. I can carry all my gear in one trip ! ... but some of the things that are required at times would be impossible for me to do. And STUPID for me to even try !

I am usually on a boat with all men.... 3 to 8 guys and me. Evey time a new group comes on... and I'm getting ready they all try and help me. It's really insulting... since the new guys don't offer to help my fiancée. When they look at me the whole time I'm getting ready ... waiting for me to do something stupid.... man that really ticks me off ! Especially when they fail in what they were asked to do on their dive and my buddy and I are asked to go down and fix the problem they caused !

In our regular group of divers we all help each other. There is nothing wrong with helping each other. Men help men too ! When there is a task at hand and it needs to get done in a timely matter... why not help? That's just silly ! It's when it becomes a sexist thing... it gets irritating.

I said.. " I can carry all my gear in one trip" .... I don't always do that though ! If is is more efficient for me to stay on board and clean up the boat that is what I do. It's called working as a team. If it makes more sense for him to carry all the tanks and me carry the rest of the gear that is what we do.

Be a team... is what I say !!

 

[fairybasslet]

Sarah, you had me so confused reading that because it sounded like you were a guy. Fiancée is the feminine. Fiancé refers to the guy.

 

[drbill]

Hey fairybasslet, thanks for the clarification. I know I won't be the first and doubt I'll be the second (but still hold out hope).

Women who are trained in cold water and poor vis are probably much better equipped to handle the tasks of SCUBA (as are men). I wonder if some of the codependency is related to warm water training and dive experience.

 

[Ayisha]

Good point Dr Bill.

 

[fairybasslet]

OK, as long as I'm acting like the English major here, I really think co-dependency is the wrong word. That refers to the person who enables a drug addict, alcoholic, gambler, etc. The word we really want is "dependent."
Warm water diving is relatively easy. Diving Galapagos, everyone felt pretty dependent, even cold water male divers used to diving in doubles.

 

[Cacia]

I wonder if some of the codependency is related to warm water training and dive experience.

...and honeymoon behavior.

They always help more the morning after, don't they? I kinda like it, and could make a case that it is co-dependent. I say women that want to haul all their own stuff, should just do it....because I really do not, which is why I don't have women dive buddies, those shore dives are just too much work.

I see nothing wrong with being co-dependent, if your mate likes it. Women have traded sex and food for centuries, let's not pretend that will change by your next dive trip.