Why are so many female divers codependent?

[DiverBizz]

I did take my AOW class with a husband wife team where the wife did not carry a thing and was responsible for nothing while on their dives. That would not be fun or safe feeling for me.

 

[AbyssalPlains]

As a woman diver I would probably fall into your co-dependent category. My husband sets up all of my gear and is more the lead during the dive. He has 30 years experience to my 2 years of experience. I am totally able to set up my own gear...but why? I will never dive without him and he enjoys taking care of those things. He also enjoys cooking...which I will never stand in his way on that either!

Its wonderful to dive with a man that is a strong capable diver that I can totally trust with my life. I know that when we are diving he is protective over me and will keep me safe.

Its not an issue of dependency...its just the way we do things and neither one of us is feeling a heavier burden because of it!

I'm sorry, but sounds like an accident waiting to happen to me. As long as nothing goes wrong, you two will be fine, but if you are not familiar with how your gear is set up, you are setting yourself up for the risk of freaking out in an emergency instead of going through the right motions. Just my two cents. The fact that you compare cooking to diving - no offense, please - suggests that you might not be fully aware of the potential risks. The accident reports clearly show that divers who are not fully self-sufficient make up the bigger part of the statistics. IMHO, engaging in what I call "Trust-Me Diving" is asking for trouble at one point or another, because it fools you into thinking that regardless of what happens, your husband will bail you out. While this may work in the scenario of cooking a turkey, in diving there are plenty of situations in which he won't be able to save you.

 

[Neda]

Heh, I started diving before my husband, I actually took him to the shop to get his mask and fins. Granted he wouldn't listen to me about shore vs boat boots, I ended up being right though and now he has two pairs of boots, one that lives on the patio and one that he dives with.

These days I still have more dives than him, yet I'm also still the one holding onto him??? I think it's due to the fact that I get tired a lot very easily and am still learning ocean diving.

He tends to set up my gear, which I don't really like, but he's the one that puts the air filter/moisturizer in so I just let him get on with it and try and do the rest myself.

I do NOT let him carry my gear or weights though, even though I dive with almost as much weight as him I carry my own and will argue with him if he tries to carry them for me.


Sorry if the thread is a little old and I'm bumping something too old to be mentioned, but hey figured it was worth it to post another view !

 

[gotwake]

My wife fits in this category right now. She's new to diving, so she hasn't really developed a good comfort level. She's left handed which complicates things. She's always wanting to turn the knobs in the wrong direction. I went through the OW training with her and she actually turned my tank off accidently I will always probably handle her tank, but she will get more independent as she gains confidence. I may need to check my life insurance coverage........ she may have increased it......

 

[TSandM]

Well, I learned a very painful lesson about stubborn independence a week ago.

I do not like being small, or old, or relatively weak, and I constantly push my own limits to avoid asking for assistance. This is particularly severe when I dive with men -- above all, I don't want anybody thinking they don't want to dive with the little old lady who's annoying because you have to help her up the hill.

So I've tried, as time has gone on, to do without help more and more, and last Monday, it bit me in the butt -- or actually in the face, as it turned out. By refusing to wait for my dive buddies to help me up a difficult slope, I set myself up for a fall that resulted in an orbital floor fracture, and has beached me for weeks. (Could have been worse -- many of these need surgery.)

Lesson learned -- do what you can, but don't be ashamed to ask for assistance when you need it. Women do tend to be smaller and less powerful than men, and older women often have more fragile bones and are more likely to break if they fall. Ask for help. It beats six weeks out of the water.

 

[Cacia]

Oh, that's terrible!

your eye is okay?

geez, careful up there on those rocky shores.

what are we going to do with you?

 

[TSandM]

Yeah, I'm basically fine except for a first-class shiner and being forbidden to dive. I did end up with a vitreous detachment and a big floater, but it's not too bothersome. And luckily no surgery.

But you can bet that the next time I dive Cove 2, I'll be escorted up the hill on the arm of my dive buddy!

 

[Louie]

Lets define co-dependency. There are two parties in the situation. A is dependent on B to complete a task or to achieve an outcome.

This defeats the purpose of diving with a buddy. A capable and adequately-trained buddy can increase the chances of a favourable outcome in an accident.

Have all the dependents asked the "what if" question? What if something went wrong with the normally dependable party? Will you be capable of using your judgement and skills to best deal with the situation at hand?

Also, I can't help but wonder if the dependents would be content to have their child(ren) follow in their footsteps and instead of training and practice, find a nice strong boyfriend/girlfriend to take them diving.

 

[AquaExplorer]

To be fair to RumBum I don't think she ever really generalized. Her words indicated that she was referring to personal experiences. And . . .we should probably give each other a break on a little bit of generalization anyway . . .it's in our nature.
My wife is my buddy. I think it may be worth pointing out that there is a state of being beyond independence. It's called interdependence. My wife and I are secure enough in ourselves and in our relationship to recognize our strengths and weaknesses and to allow ourselves to be served by the other's strengths.
We do a lot of shore diving. I do all the heavy lifting while she sets up our little slice of shoreline. We setup our gear together and doublecheck each other's work. I usually lead on the dives. It's not that she can't. She's a good navigator. She just would rather not. She would rather me do the "work" while she hunts for trinkets. If you were to see us on a typical dive trip, and if you were one to generalize, you might peg us as dependant/co-dependant when that's just not the case. We each have our own love language and enjoy using it to serve one another. She loves to dive . . probably not quite as much as I do. There are a few aspects of it that just aren't as important to her but she's stays competent enough to feel safe. And yes, there is a degree that she counts on me to keep her safe. And yes, it's in my nature to do so. Does that make her unsafe? No. She's committed to maintaining her core SCUBA competencies. She's just like the example in another post. She's happy to have me drive the motorcycle while she takes in the ride.
Peace,

Wow...the wife and I are just learning but you have described us to a "T"!

 

[Scuba Nurse]

I went through a period of dependency when I was first learning to dive but that is because my husband was more experienced and I was a little nervous at first. Yet, I always set up my own gear but relied a lot more on him in the water. Sometimes he preferred to take control as he was more confident in the water. We learned very quickly that he needed to stop feeling responsible for me and needed to step back and let me take the lead and I needed to be more assertive. When you have too much of a dependent/ caretaker relationship in the water it sets both up for a lot of frustration. At least for us it did. As we have progressed in our diving relationship we learned how to be "interdependent." For example, when we break down our gear, he will take care of the tanks while I start rinsing out the gear. I don't think having him lift the tanks makes me a bad diver because I know my physical limits. Heck, he prefers to have another person help lift his doubles out of our hatch back. I used to push through pain and not ask for help. My thin body paid the price and I just had surgery on my hip from a situation where I "pushed through the pain". It doesn't matter how much exercise I get, there are limits to my strength. We have found that we sort of balance each other. I am more conservative while he will push the limits. We took a course together and really learned how to improve our relationship as divers to be a safe and cooperative dive team. My skills are still lagging a little bit behind him (He is now at the technical level) but that is because he dives a bit more than I do. (I work a lot of weekends when we would typically dive). Basically, I worked on becoming the best diver I could be so if I needed to rescue him I could and vs versa. We have done countless safety drills, valve drills etc.
Clearly, a man and women dive team has a different element then two male divers or two females. The key is that both have a thorough understanding of their equipment and can competently dive in the water with any partner.