Wife Trouble.....help!

[Airleron]

I dive with my photographer hubby, and I am constantly waiting for him. But that is fine, because I see much more and get to hang those fantastic pictures on my dive wall at home. It took me about 30-50 dives to really get comfy underwater. She'll get better and you'll get less anxious. Yes we worry about each other as spouses, but you will dive alot less often if she decides she doesn't like you pushing her about speed, etc. and quits.

 

[adurso]

My wife is the speed demon, she likes to zoom all over the place and try to see everything, she also apparently does not breathe. So I grab her ankle to keep her sort of in one place while I laze along taking pictures....

Took 17 years to get her to take up diving, so I am happy she dives with me at all. I do not worry about her because she is quite competent

 

[austriandiveress]

Samson, I think its great that you are worried about her safety and want her to feel more comfortable. That said, if I may say, I notice that you are a rather new diver yourself: lots of new divers seem to equate speed with skill: I know that I thought this when I began. Many folks here have told you to slow down: I'm just not sure why you are in a hurry in the first place.
And I'd be careful before you urge her to take extra skills, unless you do so as well. It can be VERY discouraging to have every single dive end in a critique session or a de-briefing. (I am not saying that this is going on, but if you are feeling frustated then she is certainly feeling it as well)
My BF taught me to dive: he has more that 1000 dives more than I. Believe me when I tell you: its not easy when you have the feeling that you are and always will be less skilled (or strong or fast) than your buddy, even if it is the case: the less skilled diver has a lot to swallow.
I think if you want to dive with her then you need to adjust yourself to her level, at least for awhile.
And, I too think its a good idea to leave the "leash" at home!

 

[TSandM]

Here's my take:

First off, you guys need better dive planning, and maybe some more knowledge of local sites. We have enormous tidal currents here in the Sound, and getting in the wrong site at the wrong time is NOT fun at all (and sometimes isn't safe). You may be big and strong enough to fight current, but I am not, and I don't like it one little bit. So I have learned to plan dives for slack, avoid current-sensitive sites on days of big exchanges, and abort dives if the conditions don't permit a comfortable dive. Mischa, of Pelagia Scuba, gives workshops on Puget Sound tides and currents which are reported to be excellent, and this might help you guys learn how to pick sites and times that are less stressful.

Second, you may have a style discrepancy that's going to have to be worked out. When my husband and I started diving, he didn't see any need to stay close to me, or to stay where I could see him, and it made me absolutely insane. I was insecure and worried and got frantic when I couldn't see him, and spent several dives spinning wildly around in circles looking for him. Those dives ended in ugly arguments. Eventually, we stopped diving together for about six months. We'd go to the dive sites, but each of us would dive with someone else. Eventually, he was willing to meet me a little more than halfway, and I got more confident and less neurotic about having to see him every second.

If your idea of a good dive is to cover a lot of ground at a good clip (as your interest in spearfishing suggests may be true) and what your wife wants to do is mosey along and look in every crevice for tiny critters, you guys may have some negotiating to do.

When I was in Mexico, during and after my cave class, I had to talk to my buddies repeatedly about swimming off and leaving me. I'm little, and use small fins, and there just wasn't any way I could keep up with two six foot guys in XL Jets. No matter how much gym time I did, or laps I swam, it wasn't going to happen. They just had to slow down.

The dynamics of diving with one's spouse are always interesting, but the fact that Peter and I have worked through a lot of these issues and become pretty satisfied dive buddies show that, with good will, it can be done.

Maybe we'll get a chance to talk about some of this tonight!

 

[Jaksonbrown]

Does she have a Scuba Board account, is she missing out on all the good information and resources here at Scuba Board?

I'm waiting for the part where he allows her to login and express her take on this.
Sorry but you sound a bit selfish and self centered from how I'm taking what I read by you.

She is probably even more stressed then you are as a newbie diver trying to learn SCUBA with a speed boat dive buddy who keeps leaving her behind . Then making her feel bad because she can't keep up and being physicaly dragged around underwater by you.

As pointed out MANY times here, count yourself lucky she enjoys diving and is willing to do it.
Count yourself doubly lucky she keeps doing it with what it sounds like your putting her through.

Invest in getting her a propulsion vehicle at least, if you want her to follow you faster... thats going to add another level of complexity and equipment to manage for her though.

Appart from no current dives...
The best bet is to depart on your dive AGAINST the current and then let it return you both to your starting point. As the more experienced diver... Thats your fault for poor dive planning and execution. Your also doing her a disservice as a new diver by NOT showing her the proper way to dive plan.

If you just can't deal with the stress of working with a slower more inexperienced diver, Then let her buddy up with some people more her speed so she can enjoy her dives and develop at her own speed.

What was your dive buddies like when you started out?

I don't think your really looking for our answers here, it looks like what you really want is for someone to help you justify the way your treating her and back up your oppinions.

Send her on a dive trip to someplace like San Carlos, Mexico or another location with warm water and little to no currents. Just so she can see what its like to have a more relaxed dive trip and see the differnce.

Even if she wasn't your wife, YOUR job as a dive buddy is to help keep her calm. Sure thats her job too but your the one who is more expereinced and your the one here complaining about her.

Think about that a bit...not cool man.

No offence friend,... but you can take your "advice" and cram it.....

I adore my wife,.. she is my best friend.., I desparatly want to show her the underwater world and be my long term dive buddy... hence the questions.....I am not trying to make her speed up to my "speedo" style of diving,.. she has poor fin technique and got tired in the current, (1-2kts), and could not get back....That is why I was helping her by pulling her along while she hung onto my arm....... Lastly I am not looking for justification for my actions.....
but rather trying to find suggestions for very slow methods, perhaps boat dives where she can hang on to the anchor line, or some other positive suggestions... Like perhaps she has a boyancy issue that was suggested. Positive suggestions! Perhaps it is the low visibilty we have here in the NW that leads to her confusion and tendency to just float off... She does fine in tropical waters..... Never have a problem...

While I greatly appreciate all of the positive suggestions on this topic, your personal attacks were unwarrented and uncalled for as you dont know me or my wife and I would greatly appreciate you keeping your pessimistic, big mouth, shut.

To all the rest of you,... thank you... Keep those suggestions coming....

Samson

 

[Diver0001]

When I was in Mexico, during and after my cave class, I had to talk to my buddies repeatedly about swimming off and leaving me. I'm little, and use small fins, and there just wasn't any way I could keep up with two six foot guys in XL Jets. No matter how much gym time I did, or laps I swam, it wasn't going to happen. They just had to slow down.

LOL. This is a funny image. I wonder, Lynne, did they joke about your wearing "Barbie" fins....

The dynamics of diving with one's spouse are always interesting,

The dynamics of doing most things with ones spouse are interesting. (small hijack coming here...) For example, my wife is having to deal with a manager at her work with with a type A personality (link) and is really struggling with it. I, on the other hand, eat type-A's (I'm probably an A/B hybrid type myself) and then pick my teeth with the bones so I've been trying to coach her...

One of us, I'm not sure which yet, is going to have to give up on this. I've been telling her things for months about how to deal with certain things and not getting through to her. A week ago on the weekend a friend of hers came to visit and said *exactly* what I've been saying for months.... and .... you'll never guess what happened.

She LISTENED TO HER FRIEND.

I mean, I'm happy she listened to somebody but choked as hell that that she ignored me saying exactly the same things for months. I mean, why do spouses do that?

/end hijack

R..

 

[sglake]

Thanks for the advice..
I guess my biggest question is .... Do all of you out there that dive with your spouse have a unusually high level of stress and anxiety over worrying about your spouse? I mean,.. I cannot keep my eyes off of her because I worry so much about her safety... Its not that she is a bad diver or dangerous or anything... I just worry so about her so much I find myself bound up in knots.... I guess this just subsides with time and practice??

Samson-

I used to get that way when diving with my kids, but I finally realized that they were both good divers and had plenty of dives. They felt comfortable diving and I just needed to relax and enjoy myself. I still watch them when we dive together, but I'm no longer stressed....

 

[frogman159]

Has anyone ever tied another diver to themselves with a tether?
Samson-

Well kind of. I do sometimes carry a 6ft peice of 1/4" plastic boating rope and tied to each end with a fisherman's clinch knot (probably not the proper name) is a large stainless steel carabiner.

In really bad visability we have clipped ourselves together by the front D ring. You can also use it if your in a group and your all doing a safey stop on a line in current, you can clip on and be away from the group.

Its very rare that we do this and I probably wouldn't clip my wife to me and drag her through the water though

 

[TSandM]

LOL. This is a funny image. I wonder, Lynne, did they joke about your wearing "Barbie" fins....

Well, actually, this is kind of pertinent to the OP's question. One of the two is my long-term, dearly beloved dive buddy, and I think we have some of the same dynamics issues that come up for spouses. I spent the better part of a week trying to get these guys to slow down so I didn't have to swim like a madwoman on the exits (they always made me lead, because I use less gas running the reel so we got to go further). Finally, we do a dive with another guy, and at the end of the dive he rips into my buddy for swimming off and leaving me (because the other guy stayed WITH me, instead of leaving) and THAT, my buddy heard, when he hadn't heard me complaining for a week.

Samson, cold water and low viz make life much harder. It's very easy to get turned around or disoriented in space, when you don't have much visual reference. Navigation is also a challenge, when you don't have a well-defined reef or wall to work your way along, or a group to follow. There are a lot of reasons why your wife might find diving here to be a challenge. The good news is that there are ways to work around all of it, ranging from using sites with good navigational structure, to some communications techniques that help keep dive teams together.

The most important thing is that your wife isn't put under pressure that's uncomfortable for her, or made to feel that she's somehow failing because she isn't living up your expectations. She needs whatever time she needs to get all this sorted out. There are some nice, easy local dive sites for practice, and I would suggest some shore diving at some of them, just to get the "finding the boat again" issue out of the picture. Sites like Cove 2 may not be exciting, but there are excellent maps available of the cove that you and she can use for orientation, and current is not an issue there, nor are surface water conditions a problem very often. The structures in the cove aren't arranged in any kind of logical order, but working on getting from one to another is good navigation practice for compass use, and for using natural navigation cues like depth contours.

Most critical is that it has to stay fun.

 

[psychocabbage]

Wife and I dive together and I dont find myself worried more about her than if we were walking in a mall.

She is an adult right? Do you fret over her going anywhere else without you? If not, then relax and let her be her own person.. if she puts herself in a position where she is endangering herself, perhaps she is not cut out for the type of diving you are doing.