When is it OK for a dive buddy to leave another diver?

Hi everyone

I'm new here and quite new to diving. I'd really appreciate some feedback on something that's bothered me for some time. Basically, I have an irrational fear of running out of air at depth. To conquer it & push thru it, I decided to get my open water certification. I'm also partially blind which I suppose doesn't really make me feel all that comfortable underwater. The first time I went for certification, I failed b/c I panicked. I took extra lessons after that.

Got my certification eventually & my buddy - who was a much more experienced diver than I - signed us up for ocean 2 dives. A 40' & a 60'. Probably very tame by others standards but I was terribly frightened about it, which my buddy knew b/c I told him. Plus I was shaking. He knew my concerns & fears, they were not news to him. He promised to hold my hand during the dive. The instructor briefed us on the boat, all divers hopped off & went down the rope to the dive site. They waited at the bottom for us. My buddy & I were the last off the boat. I went down the rope first, buddy was behind me.

Now. Please note, I am not trying to criticise anyone here, nor bag them out. All I'm trying to do is to ascertain 'what should have been done?' in your opinions ... b/c to this day, I still don't know.

So. 20' down the rope, my buddy tapped on my tank, got my attention, pointed to his head & swam to the surface. I didn't know what to do b/c he didn't take me with him. As I was new, it was my first dive, I was afraid & he had promised to hold my hand, being left wasn't something I factored in. So I just held onto the rope, breathed hard, started crying (hard to accomplish in a mask), didn't throw up but wanted to.

Finally slowed it all down. Decided to keep going down the rope. The others were waiting & I felt obliged to keep going. Anyway, I got to the bottom, instructor was all "eh?" in hand signals, I communicated that my buddy was on the surface. the instructor checked my air, gave the OK and off we went. I gripped his hand like a vice.

The dive ended, I was the last in & one of the first out b/c I'd chewed up so much air. When we all got back to the boat, the instructor asked my buddy why he got out. He said he couldn't equalize. No further discussion was entered into. He didn't apologise to me for ditching me on the rope. I did the 2nd dive, which was as fraught as the 1st. Dive buddy sat that one out too.

Anyway. In that kind of scenario, I'd be glad of some feedback on what would have been the correct way for all of us to have handled that situation. ie: the dive buddy, me and the instructor.

Thanks so much for reading this long question!
Ellie

PS: I haven't dived since. The whole experience was terribly unpleasant.
PSS: FWIW former dive buddy & I are not on speaking terms so I won't be sharing anyone's thoughts with him!

Ellie, What constitutes a dive buddy and how they are supposed to act has been a point of interest for me for years now. I wrote a presentation on it, an article, numerous posts here, and put an entire chapter in my book devoted to the subject. Your PSS is going to be the make or break of any dive buddy realtionship or for that matter, dive plan. Communication is essential for successful buddy pairing and the entire dive plan. Too little time is spent on this in many OW training classes today.

Did your instructor inform you that dive planning begins when you decide to actually go diving? Not on the boat, not on the way to the boat. But when you signed up for those dives you both should have started the process. He being the more experienced diver should have started going over the "what if" scenarios. What if you get really freaked? What if you cannot equalize? What if he cannot? What if you get to the bottom and decide that you want to go back up? What if one of you gets tired, seasick, cramps, etc? All of this should have been discussed before you stepped foot on the dock.

That he did not lead you in this tells me his training was likely lacking, yes I said lacking, as he did not know enough or worse care enough to do this. He also evidently knows nothing about proper buddy procedures or he would have descended eye to eye with you and at different points asked if you were OK. Dive buddies descend and ascend at the same rate. They swim at the same speed. Period. Unless they agree otherwise and I submit that these times should only be done with very experienced, completely self sufficent divers. Again this is a training issue not stressed enough to sink in or completely ignored.

The correct procedure given your issues would have been for both of you to descend eye to eye. Asking each other every couple feet if you were ok and answering. At the time he could not equalize he should have signaled stop. Indicated the problem, and motioned for the both of you to ascend. You both then would have went up until he could clear or if not both gotten back on the boat. At this time the instructor COULD have chosen to come see what the issue was if you were part of his class. If not he is under no obligation to check on you and leave his students. If he did choose to come up he could have asked if you wanted to dive, taken you back down, and assigned you a buddy. I personally would not have done this since I don't believe in assigning strangers to each other without giving them a chance to talk.

I really think at a minimum you need to find out just what a buddy is and how to develop the relationship. I also think you need to learn more about diving in general as I feel that a greater understanding of it would relieve a lot of your concerns and fears. You can do this by reading, asking questions here, and finding an independent instructor who will take some time with you and address the issues patiently, calmly, and most important honestly with you.

Shoot me a PM if you'd like more info on resources.

Hi EllieMay, and welcome!

I think you've posted a good discussion topic. I'm just going to comment on one part of it, because I, too, had an unpleasant first dive experience and after that I didn't dive again for four years. One difference is that I didn't start diving to get over a fear, but instead because I love swimming and snorkeling, and love being in the water. But maybe that shows even more strongly how a negative first experience can put one off, because I "should" have loved it.

In my case it was a boat dive, and I was nervous, and also anxious about being on a "public" boat and with a group (I was used to snorkeling off my own boat, at my own pace, and I'm a bit self-conscious in groups anyway). The day started with my trying to fit into rental gear (ugh... it didn't). When we got out to the site, my buddy and I waited until everyone else was in diving, figuring then there would be no rush and we could go at our own pace.

As I was getting ready and we were taking our time doing our buddy checks (like I had learned), I felt a fair bit of pressure from the DM to get in and get going, NOW, even though we had made it clear that we had no problem if it was only a 15 minute dive for us, we would make sure not to hold anyone else up, my buddy was experienced, and our focus was just for it to be a pleasant first dive with no rush, pressure, etc. (There was no current and it was a shallow reef dive with the boat anchored on site.)

My buddy (experienced diver) got in and then waited for me on the surface, providing reassurance and encouragement. I was on the transom getting my nerve up (had all my gear/reg/etc. in place) when from behind me where I couldn't see it coming, the DM pushed me in, saying something like "It's easier if you just go on." (Well yes, maybe, but not if you are pushed in by surprise.) I was immediately sort of angry/freaked out by that. And then while on the surface I felt that "I can't get a breath but if I just ripped all this gear off I bet I would feel free and be breathing easy" feeling. Nasty.

Well I didn't do that, and we proceeded down the anchor line and the dive went okay. But it wasn't pleasant. The gear was ill-fitting and clumsy feeling and I had a hard time shaking my negative feelings about the beginning of the dive. And, I didn't really dive again for four years after that (when I decided to re-take OW and asked a friend to take his first OW with me). In my case the second time was the charm, and I think for me a key was having more control over the situation and doing everything I could to make sure things were set out in advance and I would not have a repeat of the bad scenario. I won't go into details now, as I'm already on a bit of a tangent, but I was moved to post because I can empathize with you about how an initial bad experience can feel so awful and powerful. Especially if it feels like someone has betrayed you (in my case the DM, with whom I had previously spoken about being new, and wanting to take my time, etc.).

Not having any discussion about it afterward (so it might feel like "Oh no, everything was fine, nothing to discuss, don't blow anything out of proportion") would have made it worse for me.

I bet you will get a lot of thoughtful replies here.

Blue Sparkle

I can see why you and your buddy are not on speaking terms. I can also tell you that your buddy is clearly not all that experienced and did not handle anything correctly, either staying with you, dealing with his problem, or communicating his problem and intentions to you. I won't go into what he did wrong as much as talking about what you should do when your buddy aborts the dive, as happened here.

If it is just the two of you, there is no question--if your buddy aborts (and hopefully signals what is happening correctly), then you end the dive with him. The complication in your case is that you were with a group with an instructor. In such situations, it is common to have something of a group buddy system, and it appears as if the instructor took over as your buddy. Although that is less than ideal, it is pretty commonly done. What you did as acceptable.

The more important thing is not what happened on that dive. It is instead getting through your fears, which seem pretty powerful. To be frank, nothing happened on that dive that should have provoked a fear response at all, let alone one as severe as what you describe. I do not say that to diminish the importance of what you felt--it was obviously very real, and because of that it is very important. If you wish to continue diving, then your focus must be on overcoming those fears. You should not go out on regular dives until you can do so feeling comfortable and safe. For that reason I suggest practice dives in a pool and shallow dives with an instructor with a clear understanding that you are trying to overcome fears, particularly fears of running out of air at depth. You should therefore practice checking your gauges, air sharing, and emergency ascents (which should never happen) until you are thoroughly comfortable with them.

Diving will be a fun experience with you some day, but it cannot possibly be fun until you set out to overcome those fears. those fears can indeed be overcome--I have seen it happen, and I have been part of making it happen. You jsut have to want to do it.

Every story has at least three sides - each participant's perspective, and then what really happened. I have to admit, when I was reading the OP, I was looking also looking at situation from the POV of the buddy. Was it possible that he - although much more experienced than than the OP herself - was still a relative new diver? And was it further possible that he was having significant trouble clearing his ears and did everything he could to communicate that to the OP, as well as doing his best to communicate that he was calling the dive? In that position, I would expect the buddy team to return to the surface together - not for the OP to continue the dive with the group. It is my understanding that staying with your buddy is still taught in OW classes?

in this case, OP is new and it sounds like buddy may be new-ish as well, if he wasn't able to clearly communicate what was going on. It's even possible that buddy may be upset that OP continued the dive and didn't make sure he got back to the boat safely. Regardless, it sounds like an opportunity may have been missed. It's not too late, of course, but the best time would have been immediately after the dive - to talk about what happened and why, with each other. Miscommunications underwater are not uncommon - although the longer you have been diving with someone or following certain standards, the less likely they are to happen. But any time there is a miscommunication, there's an opportunity to learn - to make lemonade out of lemons.

EDITS:
The replies so far have been supportive and I don't mean mine not to be, I just wanted to throw out a different perspective. Diving is a safe sport, but I also think it is one that should be approached with caution if there are any concerns. We are each responsible for ensuring what we are doing is within our comfort and safety zone. Sometimes that means being creative with building experience for a few dives. I've recently dove a couple of times with someone who had a traumatic experience on a dive a few years ago. That person really, really enjoyed diving, and wanted to get back to it, but was very smart about wanting to take it slow. The first time we dove we spent the majority of our dive in 15-20' of water. The next time, I don't think we got any deeper than 45'. I guess my point is, if there is a fear or a concern, there may be better ways to address it than 40' and 60' dives in the ocean. I DO hope you can find a way to overcome your fears, because blowing bubbles is magical way to spend time, and I know there is some good diving in your neck of the woods!

Others are answering your question very well, so I will leave it to those who are more educated than I am. I have to say though, that it leaves me speechless that your buddy left you, knowing that you were both fearful and visually impaired, without getting a clear okay from you, and without getting you paired with someone else if he wasn't taking you back to the surface with him. As Jim Lapenta noted above, buddy communication from start to finish is critical and in a situation like yours, there would need to be even more active and frequent contact/communication than usual. Instead, you got less -- far less. I wouldn't be talking to that diver any more, either.

I hope you find someone to help you work through the fears so that you can see if diving really is for you or not. You haven't had a fair shot at it yet. Good luck with whatever you do.

katepnatl:

Was it possible that he - although much more experienced than than the OP herself - was still a relative new diver? And was it further possible that he was having significant trouble clearing his ears and did everything he could to communicate that to the OP, as well as doing his best to communicate that he was calling the dive? In that position, I would expect the buddy team to return to the surface together - not for the OP to continue the dive with the group. It is my understanding that staying with your buddy is still taught in OW classes? Miscommunications underwater are not uncommon - although the longer you have been diving with someone or following certain standards, the less likely they are to happen.

Click to expand...

OK, let's look at the description of what happened.

EllieMay:

Got my certification eventually & my buddy - who was a much more experienced diver than I - signed us up for ocean 2 dives. A 40' & a 60'. ... Plus I was shaking. ... I went down the rope first, buddy was behind me.

So. 20' down the rope, my buddy tapped on my tank, got my attention, pointed to his head & swam to the surface. I didn't know what to do b/c he didn't take me with him. ...

Finally slowed it all down. Decided to keep going down the rope. The others were waiting & I felt obliged to keep going.

Click to expand...

It sounds as if the descent line was signficinatly sloped, in which case it is common for one buddy to follow the other rather than go down face to face. The buddy tapped the tank, pointed to his head, and swam to the surface. From the entire description, it sounds is if very little time took place before this happened--after all of it and after deciding to descend, the rest of the group was still waiting for them.

What should have happened if the buddy was having equalization problems? The buddy should have given the hand waggling sign for trouble, then pointed to his ear to indicate equalizing issues. Then he should have ascended a few feet until his ears felt OK and tried to equalize. It can sometimes take an inexperienced diver several minutes to equalize, but that is the normal procedure. If he were unsuccessful after several minutes of trying, while she was there watching, then they should have communicated what should happen next. Instead, it looks like he stopped at the first sign of ear trouble, gave an inadequate communication, made little to no effort to equalize, then aborted the dive with no clear communication as to why.

If a normal process for equalization and communication had been followed, the OP would have had no question about what was going to happen and what she as to do.

Yes, buddies are still taught to stay together, but that process is sometimes legitimately changed when a group dive with an instructor is in place. What happened is that one buddy decided to end the dive, and a new buddy arrangement took place. It happens.

Again - there are two main points I'm making.

ONE - we are hearing one side (and I'm NOT saying what was written isn't ABSOLUTELY as it was experienced by the OP, at all). But for all we know, buddy could have been trying to get the attention of the OP and giving signs left and right, and by the time he got the attention of OP, he was about to bust an eardrum and had to ascend. It's not that unrealistic a scenario, given the situational awareness a new diver has (or lack thereof). That is certainly within reason in my opinion, and at least as credible as the thought that buddy had this knowledge about OP level of nerves, knocked on her tank, pointed to his ears, and took off.

TWO - regardless of what did or didn't happen, it doesn't seem like they discussed it afterwards. And that is the bigger opportunity... Perhaps each one thought the other left them? I don't know. But talking about what happened, with the person with whom it happened, is going to offer the most complete insights to the situation. I'm not going to say that I debrief every single situation that doesn't go exactly as I would expect it to...but I try to converse about most of them. It's how I learn/become a better teammate.

EllieMay,

What a fantastic question. As already noted you're getting some great answers, and you're getting them from folks who are more capable and qualified than I am, as either a diver or a writer.

Your question does make me realize that as instructors (and in my case as a divemaster) teaching newer divers, that we have an obligation to be more diligent in helping these folks understand what the buddy system is and the important obligations that go along with that system.

Thank you for asking.

The situation has been analyzed and discussed well by pros and experts. I'll just throw in my own "1st boat dive" experience. In short, my buddy (instructor's experienced husband) took off on me to chase lobsters, leaving me alone at 70 fsw. Uneasy, for sure, but no panicking. I found others from the group shortly and continued. Buddies can separate--carelessness, or logistical problems, whatever. I generally use a pony bottle if deeper than 60-70 feet, unless I am very familiar with the buddy, or he is a DM, Instructor, etc. that knows the area. It's just a little extra safety. You should never run out of air, but the pony doesn't hurt. Particularly as the OP mentioned a fear of OOA.