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Death of my Son, I need some help

Discussion in 'Passings' started by Superlyte27, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. Storker

    Storker Divemaster

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: close to a Hell which occasionally freezes over
    Hang in there.

    Rant if that helps. Pray if that helps.

    I don't know what to say or do to help. I'm just a random dude on a message board.
    Sweetangel and rhwestfall like this.
  2. chillyinCanada

    chillyinCanada Solo Diver Staff Member

    Are you spending time with your other kids? Do cherish that time!

    Living your best life would be what your son would want for his family, isn't it? For everyone to be happy, enjoying each other and their individual pursuits?

    10 months isn't enough of a time buffer.
    Sweetangel and 1isNone like this.
  3. RayfromTX

    RayfromTX Student Of Gas Mixology Staff Member ScubaBoard Sponsor

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Hill Country of Central TX
    It gets you when you get to a place where the stress levels start to lower. Your defenses start to relax a bit and then wham, the waterworks start coming. I lost my friend Cameron in March and a week ago broke down in front of one of my men. I'm glad I can connect with my feelings. If I couldn't, I should really worry. If I don't hurt, I'm dead. All I can do to fix it is try to bring joy and peace to the lives of others. That's what Cameron would do and it's how he lives on. I'm just not nearly as good at it as he was. Typing this hurts like hell. Peace to you sir. I'm glad you are alive.
    Sweetangel, ChuckP and lionfish-eater like this.
  4. admikar

    admikar ScubaBoard Supporter ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: Bosnia and Herzegovina
    No, it does not sound dumb.
    chillyinCanada likes this.
  5. lionfish-eater

    lionfish-eater Photographer

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: On an Island in the Mississippi River
    Like Ray and a few others, I was also very close to Cameron.
    Given our age difference, most people assumed we were father and son. We went along with it and became close as family. I spent the last two winters in Coz and spent more time with Cam and Bonnie than my own son.
    It has only been a few months since he is gone and I feel his absence everyday.
    I have lost both parents, grandparents, all aunts and uncles, two sisters, and many friends over the years. The pain never completely goes away, but I owe it to all those I've lost to try and enjoy what time I have left and keep their memories alive.

    Last week, at 2 am, while sleeping with my girlfriend, I awoke in tears and trembleing after a dream about Cam. I don't want to dump my sadness on anyone else and there is nothing that anyone can say to change the events of the past. Fortunately, she just hugged me and we fell back to sleep.
    My point is that emotions and feelings of loss are uncontrollable and can come out anywhere and anytime. And if we are having intense pain it is only because of the intense joy we can no longer have with that loved one.
    I miss my family and I miss my friends, but I am grateful that I am still alive to feel the pain.

    Like Cam said "Carpe Diem".

  6. Sweetangel

    Sweetangel Angel Fish

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Lincoln, NH
    Not scattered at all. I remember the first time I saw my husband burst into tears in a restaurant. so.. much... pain. It comes in waves. walking along the edge and whoosh, you get dragged in the sand and dragged for a bit, hard to catch your breath, hard to stand up and keep walking . but we do it. i wore sunglasses for a long time. And sometimes true joy can still be found, First in glimpses, then more, For me.. there is still a pervasive feeling of loss. It is still a part of my daily life. I've started to accept it and you are right, there is no fixing it. I work hard at trying to prevent it from happening to others. And thank you for the love, I'll take it!
    cathal likes this.
  7. Shasta_man

    Shasta_man Loggerhead Turtle

    We followed you fine SuperLyte.

    Like I said, time is the most precious thing because you can't fix it and you can't go back. Memory is a great and terrible thing.
  8. Tana Ann

    Tana Ann Angel Fish

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: ky
  9. buddhasummer

    buddhasummer Divemaster

    # of Dives: 1,000 - 2,499
    I got nothing, devastating is the only thing that comes to mind. I have no idea how anyone survives the loss of a child, the thought of it brings me to tears. I keep following this thread, hoping something changes, but what? Or how? I have no idea. It's the biggest loss I can imagine, it's just f...king awful. My heart goes out to you, it really does. Words seem so meaningless.
  10. TulsaTime

    TulsaTime Nassau Grouper

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: Tulsa, OK
    Having never had to walk the path you're on @Superlyte27, I have nothing to offer except my truly sincere condolences, as worthless and meaningless as that sounds.

    I can, however, identify with the sentiment and regrets expressed in this quote. I, too, focused on my career and advancement often at the cost of time spent with my kids. If I may, I'd like to share a story about that.

    My oldest son is my diving partner, and we spent two weeks in Truk a couple of years ago. That isolated time together allowed for some pretty open and frank discussions between father and son, and during one of these conversations, I expressed my regrets and apologized for working so much instead of spending more time with him and his siblings when they were younger.

    His response really surprised me. He found it almost humorous that I felt the need to apologize for it and said that he always understood that I was just trying to provide the best possible life for our family in the role that I'd been placed (I was the "breadwinner" and my wife was a stay-at-home mom). He went on to recall several memories that he had of us during this time, events that I'd forgotten or had never considered memorable but that were special to him. Like the time we played hookey from work/school one afternoon and went for a little hike in the local woods. Or the time we rode my motorcycle to the theater for a James Bond movie, got caught in the rain and got soaking wet, and both agreed not to tell mom.

    He also pointed out several other memories that were special to us both that were possible only because of "chasing the almighty dollar." While it's true that you don't need money to create special memories, a lot of our shared most treasured memories are from places and events that we would not have been able to experience without it. There's nothing like being in a special place with the right people under the right circumstances for creating "life memories" and most of the time, that takes money to orchestrate.

    Yeah, he's a pretty good kid (he's 30+ now but he'll always be my "kid"). I still have regrets but that conversation provided a lot of consolation.

    I've read everything you've posted in this thread about Brian, and it sounds like he was a pretty good kid, too. And given that - he understood, too. And loved you even more for it. So please don't beat yourself up over "missed" time. You've got enough to deal with without dogpiling on yourself.

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