I am in a step family that might not make it......can anyone relate?

[ewaiea]

I got married about a year ago and I accepted my wife's daughter (now 7 years old - was 5 when we first moved in together before getting married) into my life. I hear many step families dissolve before the 2 or 3 year mark. My wife and I have irreconcilable differences about how to discipline her daughter, I think she is too spoiled and needs more discipline and not to be cottled so much - her mom thinks otherwise. My step daughter doesn't call me "dad" (which I'm pretty much fine with) but my wife insists that I refer to her as "my kid". Her dad is still in the picture and only sees her maybe one afternoon per month - big woop! She's only 7 but has an attitude problem that I do not see as getting better - I know its early but I just have a gut feeling she's going to grow up being a spoiled bimbo. Everything we do must be on her terms and her outright sense of entitlement just drives me nuts!

It has become apparent that my presence may be stressing the dynamic between my wife and her kid and things might be better for us all if I was not around. My wife and I get along more like friends than anything, there is little to no intimacy anymore. It's been months since we've even had sex! And the marriage is still in its infancy!

I really do not want kids of my own and would never again date a woman with kids or a woman who wants kids. My biggest mistake in my opinion was assuming that I could be a step parent in the first place - we all make mistakes but I wish I had not made this one.

I had a vasectomy 3 years ago (when I was 27), I thought I could be a step parent but I am having serious doubts.....

I know I'll catch alot of hell for this and may be called a deserter, a jerk, a guy who turns his back on committment, but I'm just speaking the truth and would like to see if there are any step parents out there who are going through the same thing or have dealt with this before??? I love the idea of marriage, but after my last 2 years of exposure to raising someone else's kid, I only like the idea of a childless marriage. Might there be someone out there who can relate?

 

[Rhone Man]

My gut feeling - your marriage has a problem, but I am not sure that it is solely based upon your step daughter. It is just that the marriage isn't working. If the marriage isn't working, and it clearly isn't going get better, my view is that the only honest thing to do is to call it a day.

 

[*dave*]

Yeah, I can relate. Other people's kids can be a major relationship strain, especially if you go into the relationship with a skewed sense of reality. As long as you consider the child "other people's kid", you're screwed. Like it or not, you are a dad. It's easy to project your issues on the kid, but that's hardly fair. I say suck it up and be a dad or move on.

 

[fairybasslet]

Your wife is in for a world of hurt when her daughter is a teenager (or even pre-teen) if she doesn't establish who is the boss.

 

[mikeyjoe]

Let me begin with that in many respects, I have walked your walk, and in some I have not.....

Conflict over parenting styles is not uncommon, whether you are talking about both biological parents, or a step parent situation like yours. I am the "heavy" when compared to my kids' Mom and Step-Mom. The only difference is that my step sons do not live with us - grown up and live 1000 miles away, but my daughters do live with us 50% of the time. For the most part, my wife and I keep our disagreements about the kids in private, away from the kids, and she usually defers to me, being the biological parent. It's not something I insist on, it more comes from her side than anything else. That being said, she really has my ear on alot of issues with the girls and I listen to her ideas, and change my mind on lots of things based on it. She is somewhere between a parent/aunt/big sister to my daughters.......

While it is important to maintain a healthy level of control in raising a child, let's remember that this little girl has been through alot lately. She has seen her parents divorce - traumatic for anybody - and she rarely see her Dad, so she must feel a sense of abandonment. You are now a "father figure" for her, whether or not you have the official title of "Dad" or not. Leaving now would hurt her even more. I'm not saying you have to be in a broken marriage for the rest of your life just for your step-daughter's sake, but her life comes into the equation. Bailing after one year may be a bit too soon......

They say the first year of a marriage is tough, and they came up with this cliche when second marriages were uncommon. I was re-married 5 years ago, and I can tell you that the first 2 1/2 years were tough, but things have been great since. Past hurts, mistakes and un-emptied baggage make second marriages that much tougher, never mind adding kids to the mix on day one. Counselling made a world of difference for us - I recommend it for you, and your step-daughter as well.

Trust me when I tell you there were days/months when both my wife and myself were wondering what in the hell did we get ourselves into, but our marriage has transformed into a great one and we are both glad we stuck it out and put the work into it.

Good Luck!

 

[Walter]

Bottom line, your wife has the final say in discipline. If you can't live with that fact, especially with the fact you really don't want to be a father, cut your losses and get out now. You'll only make all three of you miserable if you don't. While I agree with you that children need discipline, it takes a united front with both parents to make it work. You will accomplish very little trying to discipline her without full support of her mother. If you had a true desire to be a father, you could most likely make it work.

 

[ewaiea]

Thank you for your advice everyone. We do have our good days and our bad days, it's just that over the last few months the bad days have been more frequent. My intent is not to run away until my wife and I can truly talk things out and establish how we feel as a whole. She knows that I am frustrated and we have some points of contention, but my brother (who in my opinion) did not grow up with much discipline and was very hard headed wound up being addicted to drugs and nearly died. He got the same girl pregnant twice before he turned 17. He has made changes in his life and has been sober for 5 years but continues to have times where my parents are pretty sure he's had relapses. I don't want to have to go through that with my step daughter.

My wife does crack the whip with her but where we differ is how she winds up basically getting her way after they talk calmly about their disagreement as opposed to sticking with her initial thought and following through with punishment. Now she just thinks if says she's sorry (and clearly doesn't mean it) that she is okay to do whatever she wants. Plus, we live in Hawaii, alot of kids out here no matter how hard you ride them they wind up like rejects because our education system just plain sucks.

I'm still monitoring the marriage situation, I'm giving it another year before I really start looking at the mortality of our marriage - but I wanted to bounce these thoughts off of you all. I realize I must sound like a real idiot, and I'm embarassed to be having these thoughts so often but nonetheless they're there. My wife and I are very good and reading the energy that the other gives off, I would bet she might be having these same thoughts too. I'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks again everyone! Feel free to keep adding your opinion.

 

[fairybasslet]

Marriage or family counseling might not be a bad idea. Depending upon the counselor. Some of them do more harm than good.

 

[Doc Intrepid]

Agreed. Counseling can, if pursued with a genuine intent and commitment, make a difference.

Much of 'truth' is perception...

Reflect back on the day you took those vows and what you meant then.

Best to you,

Doc

 

[BTravlin]

Am there now. Blended family and married for almost nine years now. She has a 17 & 15 year old and I have a 12 year old. Plus we both haves exes. Much more complicated than one child and one ex.

You really should have talked all this out and agreed how things would be handled before you actually got married but too late for that now. We thought we had covered that but there are so many things you just don't know ahead of time.

If you really love her then talk with her truthfully and let her know how you feel. Counseling is highly recommended. Too many parents feel guilty about how their divorce has "traumatized" their child and then tend to overcompensate by letting the kid get away with murder. Religion, education, discipline, finances, visitation schedules...lots of issues to discuss and work out.

And, by the way, seven years old isn't broken for life yet. Sounds like the little girl could use a level headed adult in their life who loves them.

Yes, things have been and are tough but they've been worth it. I picked the right woman this time and that makes all the difference.