"My wife won't let me ..."

[victorzamora]

My wife and I were talking about this last night, and we're both of the opinion that it's likely a way guys phrase things in the current societal climate. Wives are traditionally the "nagging" ones, and it gives guys an "out." When I say "I'll have to talk to my wife" about something, it's usually that she and I need to discuss whether or not it's a viable option (time, money, etc). We have shared financial goals and plans to spend time together, so I need her to help me confirm that something works for us. Sometimes I'll say "my wife would kill me" as a polite way of saying "I really don't want to." She does the same. Other times, I'll say "my wife would kill me" because I could totally see myself splurging and making a purchase/decision that wasn't smart....but it'd ruin our shared goals, and she'd be smart enough to see right away what would take me a few days.

 

[DiverDownD3]

When I first got into diving my wife gave me a hard time. She admitted that she was scared for my safety. I would have to explain how careful and serious I take diving. Then I took her to Puerto Rico in February. I went for a deep dive first thing in the morning, while she was getting her discovery diving instruction. After my first dive I joined her for her discovery dive. Since then, her attitude about me diving has changed. I'm actually hoping she will want to get certified this summer. I really enjoyed diving with her.

As far as gear purchases are concerned, she doesn't really bother me with it. We have been married for 7 years and still have separate bank accounts. She has a job and makes money just like me. We are both pretty good about our spending habits, bills get paid, money is going into savings account, so we really don't get into each other's business about what we spend our money on. Been debating on buying new pair of Deep6 eddy fins, doubt I'd even say anything to her about it.

 

[BreeAbyss]

I'm the more serious diver in my marriage but my husband does come along on dive trips with me which is awesome, he just doesn't like cold water so he doesn't dive as much as I do.

We don't ask permission for purchases or activities, we just let each other know to make sure we didn't already plan something and also to be courteous with large purchases. We both also make enough money to support our own hobbies; we don't need to get into asking each other for money so we just do what we want.
Mostly though we are both adventurous and share many of the same hobbies such as diving, snowmobiling and quading in remote areas. He is my greatest adventure partner and he has made all my fun activities significantly more amazing. It's not about being lucky though, we chose to marry each other and our shared love of adventure and sometimes intense activities is part of why we are together, it's no accident that he is ok with my diving.

Our friends who don't do things because their husband or wife won't let them either don't want to do it themselves and are making an excuse or their partner truly doesn't want them to and you can tell they are resentful.

 

[boulderjohn]

I believe my original post would seem to question the current state of masculinity rather than be an affront toward women. My mother was an equestrian instructor, college prof, catalog model, and Sunday School teacher. Talk about a Renaissance mom! I like, love, and admire women.

What I do have is a concern for men.

I think the problem people see in your post is that you equate masculinity with the ability to dominate the female in the relationship and ignore the female's concerns.

Do you believe the female in a relationship has the same right to ignore the concerns of the male? Is that your idea of femininity?

Is the relationship described by Storker below an example of a man whose idea of masculinity merits your concern?

A healthy long-term relationship must be based on mutual respect, and the ability to understand which battles that are worth fighting. For both parties.

 

[Chavodel8en]

Im your basic recreational diver, so none of my diving is something my wife would want to veto anyways. And I had all my gear when I met her - and Im cheap, so I don't make any more big purchases. I would like to save to buy a boss video system appropriate for NorCal, but need to pay down bills first.

You ALWAYS need to compromise in a relationship. For example, my wife is a non-diver. So on vacation, I generally will do about 2 mornings of diving (out of the 6 days we were there). And we last went to Cancun & PdC, whereas I might have preferred some time in Cozumel instead (However, I was actually very pleased with the Cancun diving)

And honestly, Im not the type to want my vacation to be just diving, anyways. I like to sight see, beach-bum and snorkel as well.

I see drrich's 3 alternatives - I guess we are generally a mix of #2 & #3. We cant really afford separate vacations. Generally we go somewhere with good diving available (but not a dive only destination). Although I did sacrifice big-time for our previous vacation, to her native El Salvador. 85 degree F water -- and no ocean diving that I could find ( I could've dived in a caldera lake -- meh, I passed). So I made sure this vacation was more dive-centric.

 

[noj3333]

I see a difference in approach to vacations in those aiming for mutual happiness.

1.) Separate vacations - I'll do a live-aboard, you'll go on a road trip with a girl friend.
2.) Compromise vacations - go somewhere we both like, not my 1st choice, I'll dive, but not as much as I want or the best diving I could find.
3.) Alternating vacations - we'll go together to Bonaire for me, later do a cruise for you, then...

I've done some of all 3 approaches. I wouldn't want to be stuck with just one approach.

Richard.

Any advice on how to 'encourage' your spouse to allow option #1?

 

[billt4sf]

Trace, it sounds like your parents had it right. I think my wife and I behave much like your parents in this regard. Whatever it is, we work it out. If you ask me whether some activity, gear, training, or whatever is in my future, my answer will be yes or no, and the reason I give you will be a reason that I myself fully buy into. I may have arrived at that decision because of discussion with my wife, but it's now MY decision and MY reasoning, not hers. "My wife won't let me" sounds like someone is married to the wrong wife.

I have two excuses that I use all the time:

(1) "I don't have time"; and

(2) "My wife won't let me."

The oldest excuses in the book.

- Bill

 

[Ojai Diver]

There seems to be some odd equation being made here that a "masculine" male means doing whatever the hell your "masculine" heart desires, whenever it so desires.

That's not masculine; it's just inconsiderate.

My wife and I both work, and have a four year old son at home. Other than when he's at school, he is either in my wife's care or my care. Any burden I slough off, she must pick up, and vice versa. Of course I cover for her, as she does for me. She is okay with me diving a certain amount, and I do, but I don't take advantage of it. I dive enough each month to fill my diving habit, and then I am happy to come home to my family. I am a husband and dad first, and a diver a very distant third, and that works for me.

I am mindful of my past single days of having all the time in the world to dive, but nobody to come home to afterward.

Some good times back then, but I sure as hell don't miss them.

 

[jringold]

It sounds like a lot of us guys are lucky. Either our wives approve or joins us. I am blessed that pretty much every single hobby I am involved in, my beautiful wife is into as well. She is always my buddy when diving. We both are constantly working on our Salt Water reef tank. We have a zoo in our house - dog, 4 ferrets, 2 rabbits, 2 parakeets, a hamster - we both love animals. I have been restoring a 1980 Corvette for the past several years, and while she is not mechanically interested in it, she is excited about it. We have been married 29 years. We became empty nesters last year and now we go "clubbing" on the weekends - pretty much like when we are dating. Our boys think it is 'gross' seeing Mom in a sexy club dress...... We dated for a couple of years, and over that time, we formed a lasting partnership. Masculinity or femininity never enter our discussions. There is no "my money" and "your money". I can count on one hand the number of arguments in 29 years that escalated further than not speaking for a day.

However, I will say that in all this time, she has only said 'No' one time and 'Not sure' one time. I once called her from the Harley Davidson shop to discuss a killer deal - that was the NO. (Her father had a very massive bike accident in the past). The 'Not sure' is when I brought up both of us taking flying lessons.

Yes, I think the days of the husband being the patriarch of the house are long gone - and I for one am glad of that.

 

[maj2]

Any advice on how to 'encourage' your spouse to allow option #1?

Since my daughter (now 13) started diving, it has gotten easier. My daughter and I did diving vacations to Bonaire last year and to Cozumel this year. My wife (a non-diver) gets to do her "mom and daughter" vacations as well (eg Manhattan in June). All is budget permitting, of course.

My daughter seems to be the big winner in this arrangement...