"My wife won't let me ..."

[sunnyboy]

For years my wife and I had an arrangement: if we didn't want to do something and were being pressured by folks about it, either one of us could invoke the "my <significant other> won't let me". This was to avoid confrontations with those obnoxious folk who simply cannot mentally process the word "no" and can't stop badgering.

Sure, it made one of us "bad one", but it worked. It is interesting to note it was rarely used over the years. We found the alternative "I have to ask my <significant other>" worked much better. Most badgering types also have zero attention span, so if you escape their clutches when they are on a tear, they usually forget as soon as you have left. (thank goodness for a generation raised on Sesame Street)

One could argue that we're not telling the truth, but I find people who won't respect my initial "no" usually don't deserve much respect in return.

There's the alternate classic excuse that's equally often used: "I can't afford it". It's often closer to the truth in that if you don't want to do something, then you probably don't want to pay for it either - whether in money or time.

Of course now I'm getting old enough, and done enough, and seen enough that I usually just go with "i don't wanna" and leave it at that. ;-)

 

[Trace Malinowski]

I think the problem people see in your post is that you equate masculinity with the ability to dominate the female in the relationship and ignore the female's concerns.

Do you believe the female in a relationship has the same right to ignore the concerns of the male? Is that your idea of femininity?

Is the relationship described by Storker below an example of a man whose idea of masculinity merits your concern?

I believe in equality. I stated my mother had a higher education while my father's higher education was due to military service. They didn't have to ask each other for permission. My father would say, "I'm going hunting in Sullivan County on Saturday." That would let my mother know he wasn't going to be around all day and he'd be eating dinner whenever he got home. My mother would take that info and make something that would keep if we ate at 5 and my father ate at 10. She'd say something like, "I'm going riding after church. Can you take Amy (my sis) over to her friend's house or should I see if Teresa's mother can pick her up?" If there was any kind of scheduling issue, they'd work it out as a team.

Since art often imitates life, both Maureen O'Hara and John Wayne could equally fill the screen when paired together.

 

[Diver0001]

"My wife won't let me ..." I hear that a lot with increasing regularity. It seems to snap out of a man's mouth as quickly as a "Ten-hut!" brings a platoon to attention. It might be one of the only vocal command signals in diving because it seems any question about spending money in the industry commands a man to involve his wife.

I must be an exception. My wife is fine with my diving. She's fine that I want to teach even if it means that my work week is longer.... She's fine if I take a week off work and fly to Egypt to lay on a beach and dive my buttocks off because she knows that I work hard, I have a need for some stress relief and diving does that for me. In fact, she's often the one saying, "when are you and Arthur (my best friend) going to plan something?"

(The flip side of this is that she sometimes takes off for a week with her sister or one of her friends too. We LOVE doing things together but we are definitely not one of those couples who feels a need to do EVERYTHING together)

In terms of spending money SHE is usually the one telling me to invest more in keeping my gear maintained and/or up to date or to replace old pieces. I guess she does actually care if I come back after a dive. I can only remember one time that she ever commented on the price of something and that was when I took her with me to get my tanks filled for a Trimix dive..... She said something to the effect that it was good that I didn't need Trimix on every dive... That's the only comment I can ever remember her making about costs.

She understands the type of diving I do. She understands -- even if she doesn't get every nuance -- that when you're going in the water with two tanks on your back and one or two under your arm that it's more involved and riskier than "puddle stomping". She understands that I need the adventure and the challenge; that the gear I have all has a purpose, a function, and that it is necessary. She understands that I need good quality gear and I buy what I need, no more, but also no less..... She also understands that wrecks (my passion is wreck diving) can be very dangerous... even more so in some ways than a cave... but she has never asked me NOT to do something...

... except ...

To dive in caves.

We've done some spelunking together, some of it quite involved, so she knows what a cave is. She knows how much fun it can be but she also knows what it's like to get your butt stuck in a restriction. She knows that it's as dark as the devil's anus if the lights go out and she knows that some caves are so large that getting lost is a serious possibility. She asked me not to dive in a cave because she's worried that if I were to die in one they wouldn't be able to find the body. She worries because she knows that I don't always back down from a challenge..... and even though wrecks are somewhat like small steel caves fully of booby traps, snag hazards and demons (if they are stable at ALL) she's perfectly fine with me doing that because if I were to die on a wreck they would find the body....

That's her logic.

Luckily for me I have no interest whatsoever to dive in caves. I dive to see the wildlife and I dive wrecks because of the history and the story.... Caves have no wildlife, no history and no story (that interests me at least) so I find the idea ... well ... boring.

That's not (in our relationship) the same as saying "my wife won't let me"..... but if I got all head strong about it and did it anyway, I know she would worry. She never worries about my diving but she would worry if I did that..... and I feel as a partner in this relationship that I need to have a good reason to put my partner through optional stress, so given that it's not my thing anyway and she asked me not to, I don't see a single reason why I should be pushing that.

Does that mean "my wife won't let me"? I don't think so. I see it as "I choose not to because my wife has expressed serious concern about that activity and I love her too much to put her through having to worry about that".

R..

 

[Insta-Gator]

Being considerate is one thing.

Being whipped is another.

Think about it.

 

[drrich2]

Any advice on how to 'encourage' your spouse to allow option #1?

This is a deep issue. There are a range of concerns.

1.) How companionate are you? From what I've read, some divers only dive with their spouse, and were the spouse somehow unable to dive, would hang up their fins. Some married people seldom if ever travel far or engage in big activities without both being involved. Sounds neurotic to me, but that's them. And how do you two feel about each developing independent major interests that might lead to growing apart? Are you threatened by your spouse having a major good time without you?

2.) Some people don't mind 'unisex excursions' (e.g.: Hubby goes off to the deer camp or bass fishing with a buddy, or she joins her buddies for a shopping trip or what-have-you), but solo trips to mixed company destinations are off-limits.

3.) Some people are fine with 'checking in' - with a lot of 'me time' to engage in solo interests.

4.) How big a risk is adultery? Whether admitted or not, solo trips to exotic tropical (sometimes beach) destinations in mixed company without supervision can raise doubts. If one of you gets an offer from a friendly, attractive 'one night stand' diver on a trip, what stops you from cheating? I don't think anybody is 100% impregnable (Biblically King David had an affair with Bathsheba and had her husband set up to die to cover up the resultant pregnancy; if David fell, I'm not inclined to view anybody else as 100% safe), so I recommend you, uh, get your needs met at home right before your trip. Helps keep the mind from wandering where it ought not.

All joking aside, separate vacations aren't right for everyone. My wife's gotten used to it, but it was strange to her at first. I'm an only child eccentric introvert raised mostly in a very rural area where I didn't fit in well, so I'm used to solitary interests. My wife had siblings, and my low appetite for socialization (in other words, I'd rather stay home than attend her family functions, and I'm glued to the computer a lot) has caused problems.

My point is, with even sporadic separate vacations, think through who you and your spouse are, what this will mean to each of you, and what it's going to do to you individually and as a couple. Sure it's tempting to boast 'Rah, rah, I do what I want,' but that doing what you want can have some consequences.

One of the best posts I've seen on this topic, from another thread, was where a guy said in his marriage they had a mutual understanding; you aren't obligated to come along on my adventures, but you are always welcome.

Richard.

P.S.: As for tips, take a known male dive buddy she's comfortable with, pick a destination with iron shore or the like so it's not a beach (where she can picture the cast of Bay Watch jogging and jiggling back and forth), don't come home with any photos of hotties, e-mail or call daily & let her know you're okay. And plan on her getting a trip to go do something, too.

 

[Diver0001]

4.) How big a risk is adultery? Whether admitted or not, solo trips to exotic tropical (sometimes beach) destinations in mixed company without supervision can raise doubts. If one of you gets an offer from a friendly, attractive 'one night stand' diver on a trip, what stops you from cheating? I don't think anybody is 100% impregnable (Biblically King David had an affair with Bathsheba and had her husband set up to die to cover up the resultant pregnancy; if David fell, I'm not inclined to view anybody else as 100% safe), so I recommend you, uh, get your needs met at home right before your trip. Helps keep the mind from wandering where it ought not.

I mentioned above that I sometimes go on vacation alone or with a friend and so does my wife. I suspect that you wrote this partly based upon that.

Until you wrote this, it never occurred to me that THIS is probably the reason that some couples do everything together. I feel sad for people who are afraid to let their partner out of their sight. It must be very stressful if you don't believe that your partner has REALLY chosen for you and is committed to that choice. There is a reason that neither my wife nor myself have a jealous bone in our body... it's because neither one of us doubts for a second that we have REALLY chosen for each other.

That's not to say that there is zero chance of it ever happening.... after all lust and temptation are a thing. No human being is immune and I'm not the "Greek God" I used to be... but I would hope if it did happen that my wife were smart enough to not tell me about it.

In any case I'm not going to sit on her neck to make sure she doesn't get the chance. That would seem absurd to me.

R..

 

[drrich2]

I mentioned above that I sometimes go on vacation alone or with a friend and so does my wife. I suspect that you wrote this partly based upon that.

Wasn't targeted at you or anyone specifically; I think this is often an underlying but unspoken concern. I, too, have something of the attitude that I can't control what she does, and I don't try to 'guard' her all the time. Doesn't mean I don't care, but at the end of the day, we each make our own moral decisions (and yes, some of us aren't besieged by as much temptation as others; chubby old late 40's dude here...).

Richard.

 

[dmaziuk]

Or, are men just throwing their wives under the bus because it is the ultimate excuse?

I believe in equality: I tell her to blame me.

 

[Trace Malinowski]

A little side humor regarding relationships ...

My girlfriend Sonya didn't do anything special, but the past couple of days found me falling in love with her anew after 5 years. I ate a ham, egg & cheese breakfast biscuit the day before then a steak yesterday.

Theory: Animal protein helps men cope with estrogen and that is the science behind the phrase, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

 

[scubadada]

A little side humor regarding relationships ...

My girlfriend Sonya didn't do anything special, but the past couple of days found me falling in love with her anew after 5 years. I ate a ham, egg & cheese breakfast biscuit the day before then a steak yesterday.

Theory: Animal protein helps men cope with estrogen and that is the science behind the phrase, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

You know Trace, no matter what you say, many of us think you are an awkward throwback to the old days. Best of luck.