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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
> in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
> tears.

> "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to
> see a man crying."

> "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
> late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
> found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
> wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my
> dog bit me.

> "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy
> a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then
> you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day
> going?"

---------- Post added November 18th, 2012 at 06:46 AM ----------

Three guys are watching their wives play golf:

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', her husband demanded.

'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman 's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman 's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb .... tidy yerself up a bit"
 
How-to-Wash-A-Cat.jpg
 

Poor, poor baby..that sucked :(

---------- Post added November 24th, 2012 at 06:00 AM ----------

This one may already be posted..but still funny...

> The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
> love to a very attractive young woman.
> And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you
> do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving
> you. I want a divorce right away!'
>
> And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
> tell you what happened.'
> 'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
> And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,
> and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out
> and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
> I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
> told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
> So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
> made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
> you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
> Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was
> doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw
> them away.
> Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have
> had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
> I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
> don't wear because I don't have good taste.
> I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
> wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
> expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
> The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
> my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me
> with tears in her eyes and said,
> 'Please .....Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

---------- Post added November 24th, 2012 at 06:01 AM ----------

With all the military sex scandal that is going on right now, has it
> occurred to you that we have too many Generals taking orders from their
> privates!
 
Just remember, old age and wisdom will overcome youth and vitality!

 
Turkey Confession


Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
 
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[FONT=&quot]The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish Captain; his Co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Once they reached cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters. "I don't like Chinese."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"No rike Chinese?" asks the Co-pilot. "Why not?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why.."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"No, no", the Co-pilot protests. "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter. You're all alike!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]There's a few minutes of silence.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"I no rike Jews!", the Co-pilot suddenly announces.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the Captain.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Jews sink Titanic!" says the Co-pilot.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the Captain. "It was an iceberg!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg... no mattah... all same."[/FONT]
 
Hostess Bakery plants shut down Friday due to a workers' strike. It was
> split up.
> The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service
> hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the
> voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.
 
https://www.shearwater.com/products/swift/

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