Rude Diver Stories

[emtdan]

My favorite, rudest, and most disgusting story is from my last two summers on Action Quest. We would sail around with 3 other cats at all times, and all the boats didnt all dive at the same time. We happened to all be anchored in the same area VERY close.

My boat had a dive to do so we got into the water, did our checks, and commented on the very strange odors all around us. All we cared about was that the smells werent in our tanks, which we had been pumping all through the sail to the anchorage. We did our dive, and while underwater, my friend pointed out a 3-4 inch brown "package", we looked up and it was raining down on us with little pieces of toilet paper accompining it. It was deemed to be the Carribien Turd Fish, and unfortunatly we all got hit by some of it. The dive went on, and we were constantly trying to clean it off of ourselves, when at our safety stop, it rained again, but this time was a little more broken up. What were we to do? We had to be at the stop, and it wouldn't help to surface, so we stayed there retching into our regs. It turned out that some people on another boat didnt see our HUGE dive flag, and took long trips to the head.
I dont think i'll ever get those small brown spots out of my BC (just kidding, they came out with some dishwashing liquid).


Another story, this time we were the rude divers:

My boat would dive in shifts, because we needed surface support, as well as other boats did. As payback for the actions of members of another boat, we decided to give them some surprises on ascent. Once they had broken the surface, we started to throw our moldy bread and other food at them, and around them. The hundreds of seaguls came and swooped in around them. They ended up covered in bird sh!t, and i think we all learned our lesson.

 

[squee!]

ewwww. foul.

 

[PlanoDvr1]

I am a newbie. These stories all concern me mainly b/c I'm not sure what to expect when my wife and I go out for the first time. I hardly ever 'chuck' but my wife gets motion sickness pretty bad and tosses her cookies. If you have to throw up, I'm learning its customary to get to the side and feed the fish. Does this happen a lot? What other things might there be concerning what to expect on the boat? Keep your stuff close to you, mind your space, help when needed and asked, what else?
__________
Doug

 

[opiniongirl]

Personal favorite:

while working my last jaunt had to take the owner aside and tell him not to pee off the back of the boat in front of paying customers and students.

He'd hide doing this from me, until one of my students (female) complained to me that she had been sprayed in the face with urine by a strong gust of wind in the opposite direction..

It actually got so bad that I had to send a memo, "Please don't free your willy".
- there was an electric head on board.

Needless to say, the operation needed a lot of assistance with their reputation and CS skills.

 

[squee!]

I am a newbie. These stories all concern me mainly b/c I'm not sure what to expect when my wife and I go out for the first time. I hardly ever 'chuck' but my wife gets motion sickness pretty bad and tosses her cookies. If you have to throw up, I'm learning its customary to get to the side and feed the fish. Does this happen a lot? What other things might there be concerning what to expect on the boat? Keep your stuff close to you, mind your space, help when needed and asked, what else?
__________
Doug

I would say that on most of the boats I have been on that had a ride of 30 minutes or more out to walls and the like there has been at least one person who has been sick. It happens pretty often, so people typically don't care as long as you get it all overboard and not all over the boat, other people, and their gear. I was on a 45 minute trip out to an island to do some diving with some friends, and this little girl (probably about 10 or so) was lying down because she felt ill. All of a sudden she sat up and projectile vomited all over my friend's back who was facing me. the spray hit my other friend and covered his leg, and I escaped with just a few flecks on my arm. It really wasn't her fault because she was so young and hadn't really been on a boat before, and probably didn't know well enough to get to the side. My friend (who's white shirt had been covered and was a nice shield for me) took it rather well and helped the girl out. I felt sorry for her, it was pretty embarrasing, and I know the rest of us didn't enjoy the stench all that well. Ceratinly gross, but not rude in this instance.

 

[diversteve]

I am a newbie. These stories all concern me mainly b/c I'm not sure what to expect when my wife and I go out for the first time. I hardly ever 'chuck' but my wife gets motion sickness pretty bad and tosses her cookies. If you have to throw up, I'm learning its customary to get to the side and feed the fish. Does this happen a lot? Doug

My buddy loses it pretty regularly, so this is what works for him. He starts taking Bonine or something similar 2-3 days before the trip. On most larger boats there's a space between the tank racks and the covered section. It's used for people to get from the back to the bow, usually with a step up. It's a good place to sit near if your wife thinks she might be sick as you won't generally heave on someone's gear there. Sometimes there's a portable shower located near there to help with any cleanup. Otherwise sitting in between the gear setups near the back, if she feels sick, she'll have to squeeze past people to get to the back of the boat, the diesel fumes make everything worse. Also don't look at the waves or pitching of the boat.

What other things might there be concerning what to expect on the boat? Keep your stuff close to you, mind your space, help when needed and asked, what else?

Keep your expensive/breakable stuff where some idiot can't drop his tank or weights on it. Start setting up your gear as soon as you get on the boat, it's easier docked than when moving. Air up and check your tank pressure, it's not uncommon on boats to find empty or partially filled tanks. Pre-dive make sure you unhook the bungie cord around your tank before you try to stand up with your gear on.

Coming back watch for the ladder if there's any swells, don't swim under it or the swim step or you could get hit by it. The best way to re-board the boat is whatever method the captain instructs first, or if no instruction from him - remove your fins, put your arm through the straps(don't want to lose them) or hand them to a crew member. Then time the ladder and put a foot on a step down in the water while grabbing the side rails and let it pull you up. Hold on and step up when you have your balance. Don't crowd the ladder if it's not your turn in case the person above you falls off. I've seen that happen twice.

Never hang on the ladder, hang on the safety line instead, unless it's flat calm. If you're comfortable in the water, you can remove your weights and/or BC and hand them up first too. Some DM's don't recommend this though as they were taught that you should have alll your gear on in case you fall back in the water. But I have bad knees so on longer trips I do this later in the week. I also have a weight integrated BC, so it's easier. I do tip the DM that has to lift my W/I BC/tank a little extra.

Don't drop your mask in the camera rinse tank, I really would not like it if someone scratched the shiny lens port on my $1100 video housing. And don't drop your $200 camera on someone's $800 dome port if you're sharing the tank.

Leave the dustcap off your empty tank, makes it easier for the crew to know which ones to refill/replace.

That's about all the things I wish someone would have told me my first time out.

Steve

 

[Albion]

Was at Kapalai just off sipadan, the dusk dive highlight was mating mandarin fish would could be found all around the coral rubble near the dive jetty. our group had found three of them and were patiently lieing there with our lights off watching the specatacle in the gloom. Slightly higher up the reef were a bunch of turks armed with large cameras and multiple strobes. Once in a while the sky would light up as one of their manadarin fish would swim out, and the cameras let fly. The problem with this was they werent even attempting boyancy control and were all stood around on the broken coral. Everytime they moved coral rubble would come streaming down on too where we were, frightening the fish we were watching. We kept banging tanks and waving lights in their direction but no notice was taken. Sooooooooo i swam up above them with my HID on full burn but my hand over the bulb so no light came out. As soon as the mandarin fish popped out i left them have it have it right in the eyes, shots ruined, night vision gone. After the dive I left my light on the side next to me so they knew who it was but not one of them came up to confront me

 

[keelhaul123]

Well, there was the couple that day a few years ago who got sea sick. Now, several folks were extremely sick that day as it was fairly bumpy. OTOH, the others all made it over the side. When we returned from our first dive, my buddies and I found this couple using our gear bags for barf buckets. I thought that was a tad over the line and a bit rude.

Mea Culpa Mea Culpa. First.....I wasn't the one puking in your bags...but I feel the need to get something off my chest. I have puked on other divers gear, only once, and I am still guilt ridden about it. It happened 3 years ago on a Blackbeards Cruise out of Miami ( a great outfit by the way and I highly recommend the trip). Before the boat left the dock in Miami on its way to the Bahamas they have a nice little barbecue at the slip. Word to the wise: DO NOT HAVE THE GREASY CHEESEBURGERS! as tasty as they were. How was I to know that the crossing of the Gulf Stream in a 65' boat would involve high winds and 10' seas? OK...so the boat was tossing violently...up..down..up...down...for hours! Having a fair amount of boating experience I knew better than to go below. So like most on board I sat on deck, in the spray, cold, wet...and increasingly nauseous. Finally it was apparent I wasn't keeping those burgers down much longer and I tried, I REALLY tried to make it to the rail to feed the fish. But as I stood and headed to the rail, the boat rolled again, and lets just say that that nice Scubapro setup got more than just seawater sprayed upon it. So I am taking this opportunity to apologize to whoever owned that setup. I swear...it was an ACCIDENT!

 

[Sue-ba]

My story is not as bad as most but I was annoyed. I have been diving for a couple of years now but we did our first night dive last may. There were a couple of guys there that found out it was my first night dive and started treating me like it was my first dive period; Admonishing me not to kick up sand, to learn bouyancy etc. (as if having me along was going to ruin their dive). I looked dumbfounded at them for a moment in disbelief and finally told them in my stern mother of 5 children voice that they had no need to worry concerning my diving skills. I think I sufficiently scolded them and left them feeling a little stupid.

We have been pretty lucky on boats. We do have 6 divers in the family so we usually get a private boat when all together. I am sure that accounts for less opportunity to run into the "rude ones".

 

[sharky60]

ok, here's mine. on my last trip to Coz, I was on the boat with one of "those guys", you know the guy who talks too much. First of all he saw my hawaiian fishhook necklace and and asked if I was from the islands, "no. but I do need to go there once in a while and visit my heart"
anyway, he continues to tell me how he lives on Maui and runs a deep sea fishing/diving tour operation, ok, cool! but then the story gets deeper and thicker as it goes... he also lives part time in Calf...blah..blah...blah.
after 10 minutes of filling the boat with BS, we make our first dive, he's supposed to be this big hawaiian DM and a guide, he's all over the place! every time your looking under a ledge he's there almost pushing you out of the way too see what your looking at or zig zagging back an forth between everyone, everyone else noticed it also.
well, we get back on the boat and go to a remote pier that the dive ops use for a surface interval rest stop. he jumps out of the boat and in this big voice announces how this dive was his 700th dive!!!! whoo hoo!! at this point everyone is just about had it.
we make our next dive and i'vd have rented a digital camera which he has already got in the way of a few good shots on the first dive or chased off fish i was trying to focus on. so i see this southern stingray laying on the bottom on a gentle slope, just slightly covered with sand, BEAUTIFUL SHOT!!!!!!!!!!! i start swimming twards it very slowly so i don't scare it off and this A**H*** comes out of nowhere and cuts me off! chases the ray away and then swims off to piss someone else off! i was about ready to cut his air hose at this point!
my wife and others on the dive said they saw the whole thing and said he definatly saw me with my camera out in front of me swimming twards the ray and made a b-line between us as fast as he could.
ok, this jerk was bragging about diving all over Caribbean and the world for that matter, you'ld think he would have seen a 24" long southern stingray in all his worldly travels and 700 dives!!
i couldn't even talk to the guy when the dive was over. he was the first person to be dropped off at his resort, he DM asked him if he was diving the next day and he said no, he was going deep sea fishing. everyone almost broke into appause, and boy his ears must have rang for the rest of the day, everyone on the boat were asking me how kept my cool, even the DM as he witnessed several of the infractions. I guess i've just learned after 22 years of diving that you try and ignore the bad ones and make friends with the good ones.
thanks for the vent! Be a curtious diver and God Bless,
the SHARK