Non-diver spouse??!!

[Barracuda2]

IMO - life is about balance and about give and take.

Except for Amadeus023 and a couple of others, most of these posts are all about "ME, MYSELF, AND I". Pretty Sad. I've been married to a non-diving spouse for going on 42 years and I've been passionately diving since I was 14. My wife knew exactly what she was getting into. In fact, she did get cert. after 15 yrs. of marriage, but it just never developed into "the passion". I realize the concept of marriage is not the same now as it was in 1965; probably why the divorce rate is outdistancing the marriage rate. Today,more and more start their relationship by "living together first". Why? To find out if "what you can do for ME will be enough". If it appears to be enough, I'll marry you, but if it proves not to be enough, I'm history. Believe it or not, marriage is somewhat a sacrifice for both partners. Both have to give. My wife gives by encouraging me to pursue my passion even though she is home alone, or sitting on a rocking dive boat, or hanging around the pool at the resort. I give by doing things with her that she enjoys; sometimes I really have to get a grip on myself. She loves cruises; I really dislike being on these "cattle boats", but I don't tell her that; I just go and make sure she has a good time. There are other activities that I have to "suffer" through because she is an individual person with likes and dislikes different from mine. And she "suffers" through mine. We made a commitment to each other "for better or worse" and the "give and take" has worked. Do I dive as much as I would like? No. Does she do the things she likes as much as she likes? No. We together balance our relationship; we both sacrifice. For those of you still married to the non-diving spouse, it's not too late. Try Giving (sacrificing) to your spouse and I'll bet you get it back in return. And I do say this realizing that to many of you younger people out there, the concept of "sacrifice" is totally foreign. However, if you don't explore it, your relationship will either end, or you both will exists in mutual resentment.

 

[scratchmyback]

My former SO said things like "why don't you just go and do your stupid dive stuff" enough that I did and kept going.

My age and dive history are very similar to the OP and in my case those comments finally pushed me over the edge. I wouldn't recommend this action to anyone but it does happen. This was a situation that had been building for many years.

I am now much happier and I don't feel guilty about buying gear and spending money on it.

I hope you and your wife can find a peaceful compromise, if not you have some choices to make. Best of luck.

 

[sharkattack]

I sure am glad I don't have these problems. Wife loves the water as much as I do. We have done all our training together over the years minus OW. AOW, Nitrox, Rescue, DM. Infact we start our Triox course in the morning, then deco procedures and advanced Nitrox. Not sure what we would do without diving. Not many other interests for us

 

[Damselfish]

There's nothing wrong with having different interests, though it's certainly best to have some common interests. As others have noted, your problem isn't really about the diving.

I'm lucky, we both dive. But if we didn't it wouldn't be a problem, we'd compromise however.

 

[kchFLA]

Except for Amadeus023 and a couple of others, most of these posts are all about "ME, MYSELF, AND I". . . . Believe it or not, marriage is somewhat a sacrifice for both partners. Both have to give. . . . We made a commitment to each other "for better or worse" and the "give and take" has worked. . . . And I do say this realizing that to many of you younger people out there, the concept of "sacrifice" is totally foreign. However, if you don't explore it, your relationship will either end, or you both will exists in mutual resentment.

Barracuda2, I wish my ex (a/k/a dumbhead) thought like you did. Unfortunately he forgot about the "worse" in "for better or worse."

I'm going to throw out a different situation because I think it can show the other extreme. I became involved with most if not all of dumbhead's interests but didn't nurture my own. Both dumbhead and I enjoy NASCAR so we did share that.

Dumbhead hunts. I grew up in a family of hunters and did not mind that he would go out. In fact I would go with him before the season started to set up his stand, when he put out corn, and I even went out and sat with him in the stand on occassion. (One time it was to his advantage as I found the deer he shot which turned out to be a very large deer for Florida.)

Dumbhead is a small town fire chief and is on call 24-7 except when he is out of town. So if a call happened while we were eating out, I rode along. His friends who became my friends were firefighters. I would go with him on training burns.

Dumbhead wanted a motorcycle. I encouraged him to get it. I bought his helmet and jacket and my helmet and jacket.

Out of the blue he asked me to leave saying among other things that I wasn't the person he first met and that he had enough stress at work that he didn't need stress at home.

During my counseling, I came to the realization that I lost me because I didn't nurture my interests and took on his. It is definitely about balance and not going to far in either direction. Now, if I ever have a date again, I know how to go into the relationship better. Have somethings in common that we can do together and keep doing my own thing even if "he" doesn't share it and encourage him to doing his own thing even if I don't share it.

rhyz, if you and your wife want to make you marriage work, please do seek counseling of some kind or at least go to a bookstore and pick-up a book.

 

[Meng_Tze]

..the concept of "sacrifice" is totally foreign. ...

I sacrifice all week at work.... in the weekend I dive.

:-0

 

[rhyz]

No the problem isn't a total dive related problem, but to me to try and fix some problems in the relationship it would start here seeing as it is and as I see it now my one true passion in life. Let me state that we have alot of differences and been married for 6yrs, we meet when "both" of us were partying hard. I on one hand quit drinking for over 2yrs and have a beer now and again. She on the other hand (same age as myself - 40) will drink in excess every night. No I'm not a reformed drinker. I enjoy it. But in regards to other situations within the relationship I quess I'm more generous than her. I recognize every birthday, anniversay, Valentnes day...etc wth cards presents and whatnot. On the other hand those days will pass without notice from my wife. I do the cleaning, laundry, cooking, restoring the house, provide a good income, pay our bills, do the garbage, yard and the list goes on. On the other hand the wife comes home, logs on the laptop, cracks a beer with the pint of SoCo and plays Pogo till she goes to sleep. So basically no "quality time" at all. And it's been this way for about 2 years....another reason why I just decided to get into diving so I could actually "DO" something for me. To ask her to try join me I have but she won't, and I respect that. But it bothers me that she complains about my time away doing something that she knows I truely enjoy doing.

So I quess I wanted to know how others got along with a non diving spouse and maybe, just amybe I could use this as a start to patch things up.

Probably more info there than most wanted but....surprised by all the posts and figured I let some more info slide in there.

 

[TeddyDiver]

But it bothers me that she complains about my time away doing something that she knows I truely enjoy doing.

So I quess I wanted to know how others got along with a non diving spouse and maybe, just amybe I could use this as a start to patch things up.

Probably more info there than most wanted but....surprised by all the posts and figured I let some more info slide in there.

Sounds just like my ex... Not saying you should do anything particular, but...
With my new spouse things are easier. I dont't tell her what I use my money, and she don't care so far she gets her annual trip to visit her mom in Cuba, and meanwhile I'll be away in Thailand or somewhere else . To Cuba I'll go next time as "guide" with diving tourist...

 

[Jon C]

Great subject. Unlike another poster who was diving when they got married, I took it up after saying "I do" years earlier. My wife is not interested in scuba and only got close to going in on an introductory dive with the shop we go to in Maui. (The owners have taken on a "secret" mission to get her to dive everytime we go. Hope she isn't reading this).

Back on point, I (we) plan our vacations to make sure there is plenty of non-diving topside activities to do . Maui is such a place. From what I hear, Palau is not. I want to go to Palau, but the only way is to take her and have her be bored or miserable, or go alone and deal with the guilt later. (No matter how many times she says it is okay to go without her...guys, you know what I'm talking about).

My wife has supported my rock star phase, basketball star phase, dressing up like a woman and going into the women's locker at LA Fitness phase, etc. After all of that, I choose not to leave her at home...I'll skip Palau and work with her on where we go on vacation.

As she is typically a late sleeper, on Maui I get two dives out at Molokini and get back to the condo before 10:00 a.m. Then its off to breakfast, shopping (I watch) or sunbathing (while I shore dive), Hardrock cafe for lunch, aquarium in afternoon, dinner, etc. Not a bad compromise.

Jon

 

[fishballer]

interesting post.

i have 30 dives under my belt since i was certified in May, and it doesn't look like it's going to end anytime soon. it seems like everyday i'm emailing my buddy discussing where the next trip is going to be.

i'm dating a non diver who loves snorkelling. i'm trying to get her into scuba, and so far, she seems to be open to that idea. her OW class should be sometime in october. we will be going on a carribean trip in december.

my first choice was bonaire. shore diving buffet. dive dive dive dive and then dive some more. but she wanted a nice, all inclusive resort with pools, etc. i wanted a dive resort with a drive through refill station.

so we settled for sandals at the bahamas. will i get to dive as much as i want? definitely no, but i figured she's not all that into diving yet (hopefully), so i'll compromise. i still get to get wet, she still gets unlimited mixed drinks, and we both get to have a good time and enjoy.

what's my point? well, she'd better get into this scuba thing quick, or i'm dumping her.

heh.