Non-diver spouse??!!

[jackeadams]

Unfortunately, you've just turned the big 40. You're going through your second childhood. Absoultely nothing wrong with that! Hey, I talk from experience.

If you expect to stay married, then you need to TALK with the wife and find either some mutual interest or an interest of her's only and encourage her to do it. Or, hire her to go on the dive trips with you ( the best of both worlds). Marriage is give and take on both sides.

Yup, I'm divorced after 18 years of marriage. I've dove more since divorce than during the married years. Certified for 25 years, yes, the other woman I guess.

Bottom line, get your wife involved and all will be happy!

 

[fallcreek196]

It is a difficult choice. My S.O is not a diver and just like you rhyz, I was "hit" from the first time I blew bubbles too. I would love to go diving at every avaible opportunity, trying to learn to compromise, but I must admit, half the time I do not want to. An exciting new world has opened up to us. Guess if compromising doesn't work, that's when to get serious about rethinking what it is you truly want.

 

[Amadeus023]

It may sound corny, but there is a Bible verse that goes something like: make sure you and your spouse are equally yoked...as in similar likes and dislikes, similar views on religion and politics...etc. Wish I'd paid more attention to that before I got married the first time. I feel like I wasted 12 years...but I'm sure making up for them now.

This is so true! I am speaking as a spouse who is divorced. My husband focused almost all of his energy on his career and the family got the scraps. We always felt like we were not #1 yet he would always tell us we were his #1 priority. Anyway, remember that your actions will always speak louder than your words.

My husband had wanted me to play golf for many years. The reality was that I had no interest in playing golf in addition to having no energy left to play anything. When responsibilities are not shared at home there is someone who has to carry more weight than the other and over time this will wear on you.

IMO - life is about balance and about give and take. I think that you don't have to have all the same interests, but you need to make sure that you have things that the two of you can share together. Sit down and talk to your spouses and see what you can offer to help them not feel so alone and unappreciated. We get married so that we can "share" our lives with someone - not to be their mother. If they do not feel like they are getting their needs met then over time it will build and then you will find yourself with an errupting volcano on your hands.

If diving is so important to you then ask your spouse what would she like to be able to do that she enjoys and be sure you allow her time for her pleasures as well. She may want to do something alone or she may want to do something with you - whatever it is you must make it happen. You need to realize that before the two of you got together that just like you - she had dreams too. Find out what her dreams are and help her to feel as though you care about her and her feelings and that she is not just your "mother" taking care of you, the house, the children, etc.,. This is especially important when you have children. Women are not machines that are better equipped at handling children - we need a break from the children too. Our lives are not just about cleaning the house and taking care of the children.

Your differences in your likes and dislikes can drive a wedge between the two of you if you don't have balance and give and take in your relationship. You can't always be taking - you must learn to give. The most valuable lesson both men & women could learn in life is how to give - they would learn that they would receive so much if only they could learn how to give. People are more likely to give if they feel as though you care.

I hope this is helpful to someone.

 

[engdiver]

My spouse does not dive and has no desire to. We have been married for 13 yrs and the first ten years I only dived 1 or 2 times each year. The problem now has more to do with family (two small kids) time. What time I have left during the week is mostly devoted to them. I try to schedule diving ahead of time so that they know when I will be gone. Even then it is difficult. It is sometimes hard for someone who does not dive to understand why we all like to dive so much.
One big concern my wife has is my safety and I try to ensure her not to worry because I dive safely.
Giving her and the family vacation time in trade for some of my own has worked also. I t just makes it more difficult to plan vacations.

 

[Tortuga James]

May sound funny, but that's what I did. My first wife didn't hate the water, but absolutely refused to even try scuba. I only dove 5 or 6 times a year on average for the 12 years we were married and she gave me no end of grief over how much time and money (even though I did side jobs to earn my dive money) I spent on it. Our vacation times were HELL. Finally got rid of her and found someone who loves to dive (even if she doesn't quite share my obsession with it), and we are living happily ever after. It may sound corny, but there is a Bible verse that goes something like: make sure you and your spouse are equally yoked...as in similar likes and dislikes, similar views on religion and politics...etc. Wish I'd paid more attention to that before I got married the first time. I feel like I wasted 12 years...but I'm sure making up for them now.

Your post is deja vu all over again. Exact same thing with my first wife, but it was big game fishing instead of diving. It was 12 years of torture for me too.

My wife (I am afraid to use the word current because of the implications) and I got certified at the same time, after I took her to the keys and turned her onto snorkeling. She doesn't like the murky water inshore stuff off Morehead that I like, but she gets really excited if I take her to the Bahamas or keys to dive clear and somewhat shallow dives. So I get to dive with and without her.

 

[rhyz]

Dude, you do NOT have a scuba problem. Scuba is a symptom of a whole different problem altogether.

Seriously.

You say "it's not like I'm missing quality time with her" while you're away.

If the time you are missing would NOT have been "quality time" then you've got a whole different issue going on, and it has nothing to do with diving. Figure it out, lest you become a Non-spouse diver!

Yes RJP this is true, but has really come to light with my diving. There are alot of other non diving issues going. But I wanted to see how others here dealt with the diving part. And yes I know that trying to tackle this will require alot of work and understanding on my part, and hopefully we could come to a compromise.

Unfortunately, you've just turned the big 40. You're going through your second childhood.

LOL Yes that does seem to be the truth. I always wanted to dive since I was younger and had a fasination with all marine life. But never did seem to do it till now. My one regret in this sport is I didn't start blowing bubbles sooner!

 

[Charlie99]

Dude, you do NOT have a scuba problem. Scuba is a symptom of a whole different problem altogether.

Yes RJP this is true, but has really come to light with my diving. There are alot of other non diving issues going. But I wanted to see how others here dealt with the diving part.

Resolve the other issues, and the diving will become a non-issue.

My wife is a non-diver, and only rarely is even willing to get her face into the water to snorkel. OTOH, she has several interests that I'm not into. Sometimes we do things together, sometimes alone. With mutual respect, things like this can be worked out. Without mutual respect, things can easily turn into contests, battles of wills, hurt feelings, etc.

Your "diving" problem is probably just a symptom of underlying problems.

 

[ScubaThor]

Feel like I'm having deja vu reading this post! Divorce her now! Just kidding. I will have to say though, after having divorced my non-diving spouse (who partied all day while I was diving only for me to find her drunk as ***** when the boat would come back in...) it is absolutely amazing to a) have the freedom of not having to worry about upsetting the S.O. and, b) to now have a girlfriend who wants to become a certified diver. Seems like the best of both worlds to me.

 

[Guba]

How refreshing to hear that some situations are far from unique!
Yup, I dive and my wife is a non-diver (why does this sound like the first line of a "12 point meeting" speech?). Most of the time, she is supportive of my activities, but then most of my dives are associated with a Christian group and we both consider that a ministry. Well, sometimes she suspects that that's just a cover for simply getting to go diving more. Shhhhhh. Don't tell her how close that is to the truth!
Still, my darling sometimes resents how much time/money/attention diving takes. This past summer is an example, for I took extensive diving trips with "the group" twice and my wife and I didn't really get to take a "real" vacation. Before you jump on me for insensitivity (I know...I must have been asking for it) she declined going on vacation in order to stay close to home and help plan a daughter's wedding. Trust me, I tried to get her to get away. You just have to know her personality type to understand why she didn't.
Anyway, I've seen the "get quiet and the eye" treatment, and I've also seen times in which we attempted to communicate our desires and then compromise. I try my best to schedule activities far in advance and usually when she has other plans that don't include me. I also try not to monopolize weekends and special occassions. I attempt to make plenty of time for family. In short, we work at it. With a bit of patience on BOTH our parts, we seem to make it work.
The Scripture passage does indeed say that partners should be "evenly yoked", but it applies more to a spiritual fit than just interests and activities (though that is a good idea as well). The even-ness of the fit is in the love for one another and the willingness to try to accommodate each other's needs, passions, desires, loves, and unique characteristics. For most of us, the love of diving is only one of those elements.

 

[Trixxie]

My hubby has dove once, hated it! I had been absent from diving for quite some time (no buddy and didn't know where to dive in Ga) until they built the Ga Aquarium, then I could not stay away another second. I let hubby go on every motorcycle event he wanted to go to with no complaints and just hung out at the house while he was out having a great time. Now that I have spent the past 11 weeks as a DM candidate, spending almost every spare minute studying, or at the dive shop, or at the pool, or at the Ga Aquarium, or spending time at the Gym to get in better shape so I could pass my stamina swims I get asked "do you have to do more 'dive stuff' " this weekend? I am waiting to get the 'ol, you are never home anymore speech (going with an OW class next weekend for their certification). I think he is trying to be understanding but when I told him I have a EAN class tonight I did get an unhappy "I guess I am on my own for dinner, right?"

Oh well, too bad not everyone loves to dive, then we would have no worries, right?

One thing I try and do is accept that the way things are are the way things are. Good, bad or otherwise.........................