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Death of my Son, I need some help

Discussion in 'Passings' started by Superlyte27, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. The Chairman

    The Chairman Chairman of the Board

    # of Dives: I just don't log dives
    Location: Cave Country!
    53,235
    19,720
    113
    I would be beyond grumpy.
     
    divad likes this.
  2. Hoag

    Hoag Manta Ray

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Ontario
    1,232
    884
    113
    @Superlyte27 I am at a loss for words. Any words that I might have will not console you at this time.

    Although you say it was easier when you thought your son was at fault, I hope that this will change and that you will someday take comfort in the knowledge that your son did nothing wrong. His training, his instincts and his behaviour were all safe. Sometimes, however, life can be unbelievably cruel and unfair.

    Once again, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
     
    shoredivr likes this.
  3. Bigeclipse

    Bigeclipse Barracuda

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: USA - New York
    381
    28
    28
    My wife recently had a miscarriage which really does not compare to what you are going through but it does give me just a touch of what you might be feeling. I am truly sorry for your loss. I am a believer that time does help. Will it ever go away...no...of course not. But, I think the pain will subside quite a bit and then you can remember all those good times you had with your son and cry out of happiness instead of sadness. About the motorcycle thing. I got a bike when I was 18 (I am 35 right now) and I can tell you I was getting that bike regardless of what my parents said. You will drive yourself crazy thinking it was your fault! We cannot predict the future or what it holds and we will always say "what if". I would definitely go speak with a professional. They will not fix you but rather they will help you find your path through the grieving process which can differ from person to person.
     
    chillyinCanada likes this.
  4. Fastmarc

    Fastmarc Just drifting along... ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: Kingston, Jamaica
    1,196
    175
    63
    I've attempted to reply to this thread several times, but was just at a loss for words.
    I'm trying again...
    Just wanted you to know after reading your posts, I feel every word in my heart and just cannot imagine what you must be feeling... going through.
    Like the rest of this community, I am so very sorry for your loss.
     
  5. noj3333

    noj3333 Solo Diver

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: Albany, New York
    735
    308
    63
    Like said above, I've also been following this, and I've typed out several responses before deleting them.

    I have no guidance to give you, and as a new father I'd be in a terrible state if something happened to my daughter.

    I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope you find inner peace as time passes.
     
  6. Alvin Slovinsky

    Alvin Slovinsky Angel Fish

    30
    4
    8
    I am so sorry to hear what your both going through it’s very difficult I have 3 boys and I couldn’t imagine how I would deal with it. I can only say don’t keep it bottled up keep talking about it and remember the good times you had as well. It will take time but the memories will help you through the tough times he will always be with you in your thoughts and your heart. I can only give you my deepest sympathy.
     
  7. Superlyte27

    Superlyte27 Cave Instructor

    # of Dives: 5,000 - ∞
    Location: Florida
    3,471
    2,434
    113
    Let me give you some advice, please.

    Time with her is more valuable than any income, toy, house, car, etc. It took this event to learn that, as I spent all of my adult life chasing the almighty dollar. I'd live under a bridge forever if it meant one more day with Brian. You're so fortunate that you get to go right where I went wrong
     
  8. bowlofpetunias

    bowlofpetunias Giant Squid Staff Member

    # of Dives: 500 - 999
    Location: Sydney Australia
    11,946
    5,173
    113
    You say you are not handling it well. The truth is there is no way to handle such loss and pain well. There is just the way that you handle it. Some people say stupid things because they care so much and feel they have to say something. Some people say stupid things because they are incapable of the empathy needed to find better ones.

    Some people have found Elizabeth Kubla-Ross's 5 stages of grief helpful. I found it made me angry that people break down something as uniquely personal as losing a loved one too young so suddenly. We each have to find our way through one day at a time. Some times you may need to cry in the shower, some times you may need to be alone, some you may need to go into the bush and scream at the injustice. You know yourself.... trust your self knowledge and above all give yourself permission to grieve the way you need to and to find help that works for you.

    There are three things I will caution you on. Do not shut out those you love, sometimes the greatest strength is displayed when you trust others to share your pain. Do not take your anger and pain out on others. That will only make everyone feel worse. Do not make a major move in the first year. Sometimes people think it will help to move away from the place with all the memories because in the beginning they remind you of your loss... after a time those things actually will bring more joy and peace.

    Churchill was credited with saying "When you find yourself in Hell, keep walking!" Put one foot in front of the other and keep going. The pain will come in waves but it will get easier to cope with.

    Nobody can take your pain away or make it easier. I am not even sure for myself I want it to go away totally because it represents the love and value of my lost loved one.:flowers:
     
    shoredivr, RayfromTX and Schwob like this.
  9. RayfromTX

    RayfromTX Student Of Gas Mixology Staff Member ScubaBoard Sponsor

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: Hill Country of Central TX
    4,615
    4,305
    113
    People jump to false conclusions all the time. It is in their nature and we should strive to evolve past that kind of behavior. I had a really bad day yesterday. Half a dozen times I wanted to call Cameron about this and that. I have come to realize that there isn't anyone else like him. Nobody can take his place. People jumped to conclusions about his death too. They want it to be his fault because it gives them a sense that they can control things in their life and avoid unexpected things happening just because they were in the wrong place that day doing the wrong thing that on any other day would be the right thing. They feel powerless so they make up ways to feel empowered.

    We can manage things everyday and make good decisions but if we choose to never do things that involve risk then that is the kind of life we will have and it won't even make us safe just safer and less alive. Cameron chose to dive. Your son chose to ride. They both should have gotten away with it their whole life. Something happened that made that not so.

    Today is better. Tomorrow may be worse again but as long as I get up on Tuesday I will still choose to do things that make me feel like I'm living my life like it matters.

    Brian and Cameron would love that their passing too soon mattered but didn't disable us or steal our laughter. Cameron's mom told me yesterday that she needs to learn to laugh again. I'll be there on Saturday to be with her laughter or no laughter. I ache. I'm sorry this happened to you and those in your circle. It is a huge loss. I'm just so sorry.
     
  10. Superlyte27

    Superlyte27 Cave Instructor

    # of Dives: 5,000 - ∞
    Location: Florida
    3,471
    2,434
    113
    It’s his birthday in about 53 minutes. I hate this bs. Even though it’s been 4 months, I still find moments where I’m in disbelief that he’s gone.
     

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