Wife is sometimes a bad buddy

[DivingCRNA]

No, I do not think I am "a great buddy". But I spend the whole dive asking if she is OK because I know my wife and she looks wierd the whole time.

I ask if she is OK, she signals that she is. I point where we are going to go. She agrees. I move 5 feet in 20 foot vis. I turn around to check with her. She is on the surface.

She says she hates the cold and the low vis. She hates not being able to see the surface at 25 feet of depth. She is too freaked out to dive in the conditions.

I am far from the worlds best buddy. But I was asking an entirely different question other than "how do I make her dive like a mermaid in the dark cold lake and love it?". That is not what I was asking. I was asking if it is safe for her to ocean dive once a year and not dive in the lake otherwise.

Don

Well, I'm glad you're asking for help. I sense in your description something I can relate too. My husband thought as you did, in a little more sensitive manner. We realized the real issue was buddy awareness. I didn't need him holding my hand, but I needed more true eye contact - one that looks in my eyes, sees I'm ok, but asks anyways and waits for confirmation. When I took the DIRF, it was amplified why. Another way to be in constant buddy contact is with a HID. If you both have one, you can know everything is in order. Please feel free to ask more if there's anything else you might want to know about.
I'm sure you're thinking you are a great buddy. Take a course like DIRF to confirm it, I dare you.

 

[DivingCRNA]

I was gonna leave this at a private message. But now you are WAY over the line.

We have dived together for 8 years and her hate of the lake has grown over those 8 years, but she still loves to dive in the ocean where the water is clear and warm.

She dives with me in both places. So she does not just hate me.

I hate golf.

I do take the kids to give her time off. She had friday afternoon to get a pedicure when I got off work early. Yesterday was supposed to all be for her. We went skydiving in the AM and SCUBA diving in the afternoon to celebrate her birthday.

I took a job a year ago that pays less, but lets me be at home a lot more. Both kids go to preschool (one starts all day kindergarten in a week), she is a stay at home mom, AND I pay someone to clean the house. AS IF ANY OF THIS IS YOUR BUSINESS!!

You are butting in where you do not belong with very little information. Sounds like you have some issues.

Don

Why don't you take the kids for a weekend and give your wife some time off.

 

[*Floater*]

I went diving with my girfriend last July. We got our OW certs 2 years prior (with most of the training in the pool), but I had been diving two dive trips a year ever since, while she had not done any diving so it took some getting used to for her.

Solution: The DM stayed very close to her, basically holding her hand for the first few dives, while I took my photos, and followed them whenever they were about to get away - sure I lost a few shots, but after some diving like this she became comfortable and we can now have fun diving together while the DM stays at a distance. If you don't want to hire the DM, then you'll need to stay close to the wife and help her out.

About the safety, I dunno - I'm not qualified to answer...

 

[DivingCRNA]

Thank you to Louie, Spectrum and H2Andy.

You all actually answered the question I was asking.....

The issue is that fresh water diving is NOT her thing. The issue is not that I am being a jerk in the water.

To watch her the whole dive I would have to swim backwards.

Post dive discussion goes like this-

Me-Where to you keep going.

Her-The surface because I lose you.

Me-how do you loose me when we were looking at each other and signaling to each other less than a minute before you surfaced?

Her-I don't know. I am cold and scared in the dark. All I do is look at you so I don't get lost and them you are "just gone"

Me-How does that happen? You surfaced 50 feet from where we were. How did you get there?

Her-I don't know. I was scared.

I do not know if this fear of the cold dark water is something I can help her conquer.

She does not dive just for me. I have seen those couples and that is not us. She loved the lake when she took her training. She just hates fresh water after being in the ocean.

So andy probably put it best. Should it be a control issue-i.e. you need to dive the lake to be safe in the ocean and not leave me a widow with two small children? Or is she OK diving the ocean once a year with some pool practice?

I am not claiming to be super buddy or try to MAKE her love the lake. I want to know if it is safe for her to do what she wants to do. I love her and do not want to be left to raise our two kids who also love her.

I am perfectly happy to dive the lake without her. I have other friends who dive. I bring her so she can get the practice and she says she wants to dive-until she remembers the cold and the dark.

Don

sounds like you want to tell her "you either dive the lakes with me or you dont'
dive at all."

look... if she's not comfortable diving the lakes with you, she's not comfortable
diving the lakes with you.

if she enjoys ocean diving, then enjoy it with her. take a pool refresher course
like you said, before hand, if it will make HER feel better.

i don't mean any offense, but this sounds like an control issue for you. you
need to respect her boundries.

that said, if she can't dive as a buddy with you (you say she will only follow
you, that she will not swim where you can see her), then you need a different
buddy.

maybe diving in low vis is not your wife's thing. you gotta respect that.

 

[Paco]

Here is what I would do if I were you:

I would not insist that she dive in the lakes, and I do think that a pool session before the ocean trips will be good enough for her to be competent under the watchful eye of you and/or the divemaster that typically accompanies dives in Mexico (at least in Cozumel, where I've been).

I would continue diving the lakes with other buddies without coxing her to join you and here is why I say that. My wife decided to learn to dive about a year after I did. She freaked in the confined water session, got out of the pool and told me that diving was not for her. I respected that and never tried to talk her into it. I kept diving and she kept seeing how much I enjoyed it. Again, never even hinting that she should join me. It took a little over a year and she asked if she could try it again. I had her in the pool frequently, working on those mask skills and she is now certified through PADI Rescue and should hit her 100th dive this summer, here in low viz Wisconsin lakes. I'm convinced that allowing the decision to dive come from her, not me, made all the difference. Oh, and lots of patience. Just because I adapted, learned and became comfortable quickly did not mean that was the same for her. I think she took 3 to 4 times longer to do what I could do. I just kept reassuring her and praising what she accomplished and let her progress at her own rate.

So, those are my thoughts. Yes, she'll be OK with pool review sessions before, especially, if she is comfortable doing so. She obviously knows her limitations or she wouldn't draw the line where she is drawing it.

Dive safe and hug your wife and kids (as I know you do).

Mike

 

[redacted]

Been there, Done that. While my wife still doesn't care for low vis lakes, she does pretty good in them. She's a good diver, but would rather not do vis in the 2 - 3 ft range. (But there are spots you can see over 5 ft)

Start out with the hand holding. It may severely limit the dive, but nobody gets lost or lacks attention. Then try a buddy rope. About 6 ft long and each holds on end (don't tie it). It will keep you in contact and more or less side by side. Even if vis gets really bad, you will know where each other is. Go slow and watch for trees!

Also, we use a pool for skills refreshers so low vis is not a problem.

 

[Web Monkey]

Your wife needs to find a new husband.

I think you hit it right on the head.

My wife doesn't dive, but if she did, I sure as h*ll wouldn't be swimming away from her.

Terry

 

[DivingCRNA]

Awap,

We did do skills review in our pool and she did great.

I am not sure if our dive plan could have been less ambitious. We swam out to the bouy that marked a platform, slowly descended to the platform, checked we were OK, surfaced, talked, descended and followed a line to another platform, checked we were OK, bolted for the surface (her), I followed, we talked, descended, followed a line to a submerged plane, checl she was OK, she bolted for the surface, then we called the dive because she was uncomfortable.

Then she said she just does not like the cold dark lake.

She decided to dive on her own when we were dating. I left her to do the class adn cert without me hanging around pressuring her. She LOVED it. Talked about it all the time. She is VERY into being comfortable. I guess cold and dark are not her idea of comfortable.

We also went (tandem) skydiving yesterday. She loved it and I was so-so. I am not scared of jumping out of a plane (it was my second tandem jump), I just do not enjoy it that much. She wants to do it more and I said she could as far as I was concerned. (no, I am not a sexist-having two kids means you have to ask the other parent if it is OK to lave and do things alone. I have to ask her if I can do things too.) I would watch the kids if she wanted to go get certified in sky diving. We do not force each other to do things because we are both stubborn first borns.

She is not forcing me to skydive again, and I want to know if it is safe for her to only ocean dive. I am NOT trying to force her to dive the lakes. I want to know if she will be OK doing only ocean diving ocassionally.

I want to do some tech diving at home in the lakes. Would I try to make her do that stuff in the ocean? Hell no. On vacation I am more than happy to float around looking at pretty fish with my lovely wife.

I shoulda asking this question years ago. I had her at 60 feet in Table Rock Lake 7 years ago, before we had kids. She did not freak out, but said she did not like the cold and dark (this was 6 months after our trip to the Bahamas). I should have just known the ocean spoiled her like it spoils so many.

Again, This thread is about her safety, not how much "fun" I get to have in the lake.

I think I will just buy some tanks, let her practice in the pool (we have one) and refresh with a DM before trips and call it good.

Thanks to all of you who did not stick your nose in my marriage, but gave advice with regard to the real question at hand.

Our marriage is fine, and I would give up diving entirely rather than risk it over the cold dark lake.

Don

Been there, Done that. While my wife still doesn't care for low vis lakes, she does pretty good in them. She's a good diver, but would rather not do vis in the 2 - 3 ft range. (But there are spots you can see over 5 ft)

Start out with the hand holding. It may severely limit the dive, but nobody gets lost or lacks attention. Then try a buddy rope. About 6 ft long and each holds on end (don't tie it). It will keep you in contact and more or less side by side. Even if vis gets really bad, you will know where each other is. Go slow and watch for trees!

Also, we use a pool for skills refreshers so low vis is not a problem.

 

[bp_968]

Originally Posted by cnctina
Your wife needs to find a new husband.

I think you hit it right on the head.

My wife doesn't dive, but if she did, I sure as h*ll wouldn't be swimming away from her.

Terry

I was going to let these two comments slide, but just couldn't. Would you say something like that to this guys face? If you were at a party and someone asked this question would you tell them to their face that their wife should leave them? If you would then I bet you get into a lot of brawls.

Just because the guy can't come over the table and throttle you for being rude doesn't mean you should say it.

And to toss divorce around like it actually fixes anything. Obviously you don't really *know* many divorced people.

sigh..

 

[DivingCRNA]

She said she was OK, I swam 5 feet, turned and looked and she was gone.

It is not like I dashed off looking for burried treasure on the andrea doria. I am one of the slowest scuba swimmers I have ever met and we were in 25 feet of water. So it is NOT like you are imagining.

When she will only follow there is not any other direction you can swim in. I asked her to swim next to me and she wouldn't.

I hope you are happy making the easy smart *** response instead of answering the real question.

Don

I think you hit it right on the head.

My wife doesn't dive, but if she did, I sure as h*ll wouldn't be swimming away from her.

Terry