Wife is sometimes a bad buddy

[redrover]

Gee, I’m really feeling sorry for ya. The situation sounds frustrating for you, in particular when someone isn’t really responding to the question asked. And, I admit to having a very different reaction to your initial post than those that followed. And BTW, I don’t think either of you sound anything but human and undeservedly got bashed pretty hard in a couple of posts.
Men, women, children and pets can be stubborn, unreasonable and particular about ‘things’ and for the most part obey instructions, act rational and in general be wonderful. Sounds like you had the right idea, that some air time close to home prior to the trip would be wise. A sound recommendation that regrettably hasn’t accomplished the intended goal. You do sound responsible from the concern (and question) about interval between dives.
I get a kick out of solving problems, looking for solutions working with what is available. Home pool time sounds like an acceptable solution with a check out or refresh dive upon arrival at warm water. Maybe both do so with the direction requested as both infrequent divers so you also get reminded of things you probably know but maybe a couple you may have forgotten. My thought is that you both in theory will be on the same page from an outside source.

 

[mrobinson]

No, I do not think I am "a great buddy". But I spend the whole dive asking if she is OK because I know my wife and she looks wierd the whole time.

If she looks weird, doesn't that mean she not comfortable? I think you're missing my point about buddy awareness. You know something is wrong but you're willing to continue the dive. That's part of the buddy awarness and solution to your issue. Since you don't think you're a great buddy, try something new.

She is too freaked out to dive in the conditions.

You need to make a decision about diving these conditions with this buddy. Wife or not.

I was asking if it is safe for her to ocean dive once a year and not dive in the lake otherwise.Don

Don, I'm sure you can tell by your original post that your point was missed. I was trying to tell you about a safer, more comfortable way to dive, with more buddy awareness and HID lights for communication. Since that was missed and you're far more interested in something different, get your wife a refresher, some extra pool time/play time with gear on and a DM on vacation.

 

[coconutgirl]

I don't like lakes either. But, maybe you could hold hands with her to make her feel more secure. Couldn't hurt, or let her LEAD.
If that doesn't work, hold hands with her on the surface, take a different buddy to your lake dive, then take her somewhere with GREAT vis. Cozumel anyone?
Coconut Girl

 

[DivingCRNA]

Thread update:

I know this is an ancient thread, but it needs updating. She never got any better, despite trips to the Bahamas, Cozumel, Turks and Ciacos, and St. Thomas. She remained a bubble blowing rototiller. She would not stay with me because she thinks SCUBA is all about "swimming around under water". If I tried to stay with her I would run out of air because she swims so fast and so much. There was no changing her mind on this philosophy.

I am now a DM and starting Tec Deep. I am a MUCH better diver than when I started this thread.

She never ever got it. Never understood safety or awareness. Never could even assemble her own gear. Every trip was the same. Trip would be scheduled for months, and she would read the PADI manual's first 3 chapters on the plane and then dive. Sigh.

Those that said get divorced---- You were right. We are separated now. We have been for over 3 months. She did a lot of bad things on the way to that. My lawyer advised that I do not post them on the internet. Suffice it to say, I take back any good things that I said.

So, diving did not work out and neither did the marriage.

Thank God that I have a much better dive buddy now. She dives cold, dark water in a drysuit with me. She also took me wreck diving in the Great Lakes. She is better than the old buddy in every possible way.

 

[rongoodman]

I should have looked at the date before I replied.

 

[hoova-scuba]

bubble blowing rototiller..LOL

 

[DevonDiver]

Just a general point, pertinant because the OP is now a DM......

It is imporant to recognise that every diver has their own personal comfort zone. This zone may expand with time and experience, or they may opt to stay within that zone indefinitely.

Pushing, or peer pressuring, people outside of their comfort zones (whether you are married, friends or even customers) will not be an enjoyable or positive experience for them. It can create negative psychological connections with that activity, conditions or even diving in general.

Peer pressure, usually, has the opposite long-term effect than what was desired. The harder you push, the more fear and resistance builds up. With that comes an increased likelihood of in-water panic and accident.....along with the likelihood that the subject is eventually driven into such a negative state that they will take any action necessary to escape i.e. quitting diving, either directly or indirectly (like unconsiously destroying a relationship). Do not underestimate the strength of these psychological self-preservation methods.

This applies to, and effects everyone. Everyone has their limits, their pace and their own definition of a 'challenge'.

 

[sladerer]

I hope the separation, and divorce if it comes to that, doesn't adversely affect your kids and that
the two of you can somehow restrain your now obvious dislike around them. I have too many
friends with ugly divorces and the issues that causes for the children. Not saying you shouldn't,
just that you'll hopefully find a peaceful way to do it.

Everyone is different - my wife hates the quarry, but after thumbing a dive in Monterey because
her mask got knocked askew and she was cold and couldn't see 3 feet under water, she opted
not only to dive the quarry before our next trip to Monterey (3 great dives), we took the SSI
stress and rescue class. This required some coaxing, but it was gentle and she knew it would
make her a better diver even if she liked complaining about it ;-) We just got back from a FL
panhandle trip and conditions that would have made her REALLY uncomfortable a year ago were
just another day of diving with its own unique things to enjoy (some pics in my gallery).

Dime store psych alert:
In retrospect it seems that the lake diving issue was just a symptom of other issues. Somewhere
very early on in the thread I think someone suggested counseling (or should have). I think there
is a lesson here for all of us with committed partners of any sort - when having serious issues,
diving or other, where you can't find some kind of compromise it's vital to figure out the real
underlying cause. In this case, it seems that this was just the beginning of the incompatibilities
rising to the surface. Perhaps some counseling then could have set things on a better course or
saved you 4 years of misery

Glad to hear you've got a great new dive buddy - have fun, be safe!

 

[I Dive]

Here is my dilema....

My wife is fun, smart, and does a great job with the kids. REALLY!

But....

Diving in low vis freshwater with her SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. She loves to dive the ocean, but we go every 2 years or so. So she never wants to dive unless it is in the ocean.

I have been trying to get her to lake dive to practice for an ocean trip, but it sucks. She will not swim next to me, she will only follow me-I cannot see her behind me. Then she gets lost and surfaces. I wear a 7 mm wetsuit in freshwater lakes and mines because it is cold below the 'cline. Constantly surfacing to find her gets me really overheated and sucks.

So, I have figured out I am NOT gonna fix her low vis diving problem. She is uncomfortable and she bugs the crap out of me surfacing because she is uncomfortable. She says she feels claustraphobic in the low vis.

Here is the question: I want to still dive the lakes and mines. I think it is fun. Is it safe for her to only ocean dive every year or two and take a pool refresher before trips, or should she stop diving if she is gonna refuse to dive the lakes?

Thanks,

Don

Stop dragging a diver into environments she is not comfortable in. I can totally relate to her feeling claustrophobic in certain diving environments. I get that way in overhead environments and trust me-the feeling absolutely sucks. It is by far the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Solution? I stay the heck away from overhead and do other dives. I'm actually thinking of taking a cavern course to try and get over this, as I know it's just in my head, but for now it's simply not worth the stress. I just make sure to avoid dives with overhead. I don't know where you live, but I have a feeling if you looked hard enough, you would find some dives she would be comfrotable with that are within reasonable distance from your home and would be affordable to do at least a few times a year and maybe even more often. Update your profile to include where you live and I bet SB members can point out dive sites for you that you were not even aware of. Whatever you decide to do, stop dragging a diver into environments she is not comfortable in...

 

[H2Andy]

So, diving did not work out and neither did the marriage.

sounds like you and your wife were not a good match under or above water

it's nobody's fault. people are different. sounds like you have now found someone much more compatible with you