Wife is sometimes a bad buddy

[Web Monkey]

The issue is that fresh water diving is NOT her thing. The issue is not that I am being a jerk in the water.

Actually, that's exactly the issue. The entire concept of "buddys" requires that the divers stay together. It goes triple in bad vis with an inexperienced diver.

To watch her the whole dive I would have to swim backwards.

So what? Backwards, sideways, inside out - it doesn't matter. I don't care if you need a teleporter. You don't leave your buddy.

Post dive discussion goes like this-
Me-Where to you keep going.
Her-The surface because I lose you.
Me-how do you loose me when we were looking at each other and signaling to each other less than a minute before you surfaced?
Her-I don't know. I am cold and scared in the dark. All I do is look at you so I don't get lost and them you are "just gone"
Me-How does that happen? You surfaced 50 feet from where we were. How did you get there?
Her-I don't know. I was scared.

I don't know how long you've been married, but you need serious help, immediately. You create situations that scare your wife, she gets scared (as expected), then you complain about it and do it again.

First, don't take your wife back into the water unless she specifically asks you. Even then, find someplace that has good viz (even if it isn't local).

If she doesn't get any practice, it doesn't really matter. When you go Someplace Warm, hire a DM for her. They'll go somewhere warm and bright and shallow and look at the pretty fish and everybody will be happy.

Also, you need a new buddy for local dives. Someone with the b*****s to call you on it when you don't stay nearby in in low viz conditions.

I guarantee that if you were diving with most of the guys around here in 2 foot viz and you took off, you would have an experience not soon forgotten when you both got back to the boat.

Terry

 

[Web Monkey]

When she will only follow there is not any other direction you can swim in. I asked her to swim next to me and she wouldn't.

It's like the sound of one hand clapping. You can't just say "she wouldn't", since you are the other half of the equation.

In very low viz, you need to do whatever is necessary to keep within visual (or contact) distance of your buddy. This may mean you you go slow, stop, go backwards, hold hands or thumb the dive..

Terry

 

[Snowbear]

FWIW DivingCRNA, it seems your intentions here were not to bash your wife or "throw her under the internet bus." But as you can see from the responses, that's how many of us read your initial post. "You* think you were only asking if it would be safe for you wife to only do occasional refreshers and warm ocean dives. Trouble is, to set up that question, you listed a whole post of her inadequacies as a buddy. By only wanting to know if it's safe for her to dive occasionally, you are letting all of us know in no uncertain terms that you have given up on her.

I (and seeing from the responses, others as well), saw what you had written from your wife's perspective as an inexperienced diver who is in no way, shape or form comfortable in the environment of a cold, dark lake. Everything you wrote came across as placing the blame on your wife for your ruined dive. Your defensive responses added to that perception.

While I don't think the recommendations for divorce were appropriate or helpful, many of the responders were actually trying to point out, from your wife's perspective, *why* she is only getting more and more uncomfortable and trying to suggest ways to help her overcome that. I guess we didn't realize how long it had been going on or that you had truly given up on helping her with it. After 8 (or whatever it was) years of this, it will take a tremendous amount of patience on your part if she is even willing to try to get comfortable in the lake. Then, if she ever is willing to try again, it may well be that it would be better to be done with someone other than yourself (a competent and patient instructor perhaps?)

Als, you mentioned you use exposure protection, but did not say (or I missed it) whether she does.... does she? Goes a long way towards comfort in the cold! Others have mentioned a good light. These serve a couple of purposes in dark water ~ they are great for passive communication in that as long as they are aimed where the buddy can see the beam, it's easy to tell with a glance that your buddy is nearby. The other is that having a lit up spot to look at helps a lot to not notice that the lake is a dark, dark place at 25'.

So.... please take this post as it was intended - not to bash you, but to try to point out why folks were not just telling you what you wanted to hear.

 

[DivingCRNA]

We did thumb the dive.

Then we talked about it (not fighting, but talking) and she does not want to dive those conditions no matter who she is with. She does want to dive the ocean. She loves it and this trip to Mexico was her idea. I wanted to stay home and save the money until the kids are big enough to take to a family resort.

There is nothing any buddy can do to make her like to cold dark lake. Saying it is a buddy problem is like saying everyone should ice dive, cave dive, deep dive, deco dive, or any one of the riskier and more potentially anxiety inducing areas of SCUBA as long as they have the right buddy. I am not a perfect buddy. But she would not like the lake with a naked Brad Pitt Dive MAster as a buddy while he feeds her peeled grapes.

I waited for her and surfaced with her and talked with her. My wife is a stubborn woman. If she won't do some thing she wont. I still do not know how she lost me because I looked back every 5 feet in 20 foot vis. I would have held her hand if she would have gotten next to me to do it. Getting her next to me would have probably meant arguing. I hate to argue with her. It is never worth starting an arguement with her. 10 years together, and 8 years of marriage have taught me that lesson. Why do you think my garage is so clean?

SO STOP BEATING THE BUDDY THING TO DEATH! I described what she was doing to show her dislike of the lake and how it manifests, not to figure out how to get her back in there. SHE WILL NOT EVER LIKE DIVING THE LAKE. THE OCEAN HAS SPOILED HER. I WAS ASKING IF IT IS SAFE FOR HER TO JUST DIVE THE OCEAN WITH POOL REFRESHERS AT HOME!

Jesus!

Do you guys get it now?

Don

It's like the sound of one hand clapping. You can't just say "she wouldn't", since you are the other half of the equation.

In very low viz, you need to do whatever is necessary to keep within visual (or contact) distance of your buddy. This may mean you you go slow, stop, go backwards, hold hands or thumb the dive..

Terry

 

[DivingCRNA]

Another reason she hates the lake is she WILL NOT wear a wetsuit thicker than 3mm. Will not. Will Not. WILL NOT. I bought her a 7mm and she took it back because she does not like how a "thick" wetsuit feels. No matter what suit. No matter how it fits. No matter what color it is. She does not like it and will not were it.

She will not wear a hood either. We did a pumpkin carving dive and I was nice and gave her my hood so she could be warmer. She freaked and bolted for the surface becausethe hood made her claustraphobic. She was fine, but cold without it. We carved the pumpkin and took 3rd place without further incident in 15 feet of lake water. But she said she did not like it.

I do have a bright light. And it was on. It actually reduced vis because of all the suspended particles.

So it is the ocean and pool for her now. Which is fine. If she asks to go in the lake again, I will take her. But not until then.

I was frustrated when I wrote the original post. That probably came out here because I was trying my very best to NOT have it come out at her. But none of you were there. So what do you know about it? I thought maybe there was someone out there who had been through the same thing and could empathize. I guess I was wrong. There are just a lot of critical folks out there. I am glad the people in our dive club are not like most of the folks on this list.

Don

 

[asmith5]

From the description of the lake that you dived with her in, I am curious. Was this Blue water lake at Oranogo? We did our open water training dives there. The visibility was great, but the water was cold because it was October. I can see how someone could freak out in that water. It is cold, and if a previous group had just been training there they probably kicked up the sediment at the bottom and reduced the visibility. I was the first to reach the plane on my training dives and by the time everyone else made it to the plane, I could not see it even though I was sitting on the wing.

Andrew

 

[asmith5]

Also, If she is not comfortable with a dive, she should not dive. If she panics underwater, it could lead to a bad accident. The local dive shop that we used when we lived in Kansas City would let us rent out the pool for $10 a person to practice our skills. I don't know where you live, but maybe your dive shop would allow the same. The only problem with diving in a pool is that your weight requirements are different than diving in salt water. Every other skill can be tested in a pool though.

Andrew

 

[Snowbear]

I was frustrated when I wrote the original post.

It seems you still are, which makes any further attempts at communication impossible.

So what do you know about it?

Only what you chose to tell us.

I thought maybe there was someone out there who had been through the same thing and could empathize.

Some of us tried. Now you're mad 'cause the one we empathized with was your wife rather than you

 

[Greg D.]

Awap,

We did do skills review in our pool and she did great.

I am not sure if our dive plan could have been less ambitious. We swam out to the bouy that marked a platform, slowly descended to the platform, checked we were OK, surfaced, talked, descended and followed a line to another platform, checked we were OK, bolted for the surface (her), I followed, we talked, descended, followed a line to a submerged plane, checl she was OK, she bolted for the surface, then we called the dive because she was uncomfortable.

Then she said she just does not like the cold dark lake.

With dive profiles like that sounds to me like both of you are safer if she JUST dives in the ocean

But really, how does she do on the ocean dives? other than the ocasional swimming away excited by marine life, how is her bouyancy? gas manegment? if her buoancy is good and she is keeping an eye on her air, and you are keeping and eye on her, the DM is keeping an eye on her, your wife is probably more safe in the ocean than in a low vis cold lake with you.

as for buying tanks and letting her swim arround in your pool, I think its a great Idea for practice, just beware of her wanting new gear when you go on trips cause hers is 'all pool faded'

If you havent tried it find a reall shallow area for her to practice in, keep her where she can see the surface, like 15feet or so if all your after is skills practice that should do, the more she dives in the lake and has a GOOD experiance the more comfortable she will get. Go slow real slow. and be prepared for the fact that she may never like it.

Being "comfortable" while diving is a must, if you're not you are prone to panic and making bad decisions, I dive with a Search and Rescue team, most of the time in low vis, not sure what that means to you but low vis to me is when I cant see my hand when I strech it out but back to the point, if we are called out and I dont feel "comfortable" I dont dive, and thats that. And if I dont go to the lake with a buddy and dont feel "comfortable" I wont dive there either, keeps me in the gene pool.

Diving should be all about fun for her, keep it that way and she will love diving with you anywhere.

 

[Snowbear]

Oh... and yes, at this point your wife is much safer only doing occasional pool refreshers and warm ocean dives than she is diving in cold, dark lakes